When The Boys Come Home

And, for the curious, here is the original version :)

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This weekend, Trifextra launched a new feature and challenged us to write a love story in 33 words. I decided to manipulate historical images of telegrams and train tickets to give my words some context. I’ll be interested to see if this makes  sense or if this one really needed more than 33 words.

Take Two: Without the train tickets to leave more room for words on the telegrams.

About jesterqueen:
Jessie Powell is the Jester Queen. She likes to tell you about her dog, her kids, her fiction, and her blog, but not necessarily in that order.

Comments

When The Boys Come Home — 34 Comments

    • Thanks, Lance — I love the concrit, though. It helps me get a sense of what to fix and how. I'd rather have it right in the long run than have a bunch of people oohing over something that makes no sense whatsoever!!

  1. A homecoming from the war. Very sweet. Did she drive from Louisville to Cincinnati just to travel with him back down to Louisville? Was this MumMum and PopPop?

    • Fictional couple set in the same era. And you got it. You have the revised version, though — the first one was a bit less clear and required better understanding of the train table probably!!

  2. I had the homecoming from the war bit as the title gave that away, so that wasn't too obscure, I just didn't get that she went up to meet him there. I was trying to work it out from the clues I had but had to give up. :) This is a lot clearer but I like the idea of playing with the train tickets and telegrams.

  3. Love the visual. I like second version better as well. He better get her telegram and be there for her. She is cutting it close. Wonder if the connect?

    • Indeed! And did she send it to him at the station where he sent it from, or was it supposed to meet him in Cincinnati? It helps that the B&O railroad ran a pretty strict schedule through Union Terminal in Cincinnati, so she would have known from his telegram what time his train left, and what time it should therefore arrive in Cincinnati the next morning.

  4. I love this!!! I liked the concept the first time you played with it, and I see from the comments that you are reworking this on the fly. An important lesson learned once again by me. Ah, flexibility, would that I have been born with you. I'm glad I got the re-worked story, it shone like the lights on a train on the prairies on a moonless clear night.

  5. I like the presentation. I didn't find story muddled or confusing, but my father use to receive telegrams for business, and I recall telegrams always being written in a kind of clipped shorthand with only the bare facts. I'm thinking the story is there for the reader to imagine from the title and date stamp on the telegram. It's so old-time radio.

    • Thanks! This second version is very much the more successful one. Once the Trifexta challenge is over, I'll stick up my original for comparison. I had a lot more stuff going on in there, and it was, consequently, less clear.

  6. I really think this is my favorite so far! Incredibly creative. You really thought out of the box and made the challenge your own! Came over from Trifecta!

  7. This reminds me of the personal ads, like the movie Desperately Seeking Susan. Before we were all so closely connected, before anyone could really never be lost. There was a desperation that went along with communication back then. It was still precious.

  8. I may be the only one who actually preferred version 1 over version 2. Maybe it's just because I'm looking at it from a judging standpoint. It was much easier to accept the abbreviations and dates as 'words' towards the word count when they were the bulk of what you gave us. Now that there's more text, I'm not sure the other information is as central. Does that make sense? Anyway, I adore it when writers play with form. I love what you've done here. Both times. :-) Come back Monday for the new prompt.

    • I actually like version one a bit better myself, too — as I say above, I'll put the other one up, too. It just required too much knowledge of trains to really interpret in a blog hop. It was the kind of piece designed to be put in somebody's coffetable book and discussed ad nauseum.

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