What’s your favorite underwear you own?
What? As if I would have favorite underwear owned by someone else? That’s just icky.
Anyway, my lucky underpants. Right now, that means a pair of bikini style Mickey Mouse prints that barely fit me and therefore leave me flopping and poking out at awkward angles.
What’s the worst pair of underwear you own?
I wouldn’t narrow that to one. I’ll discuss three. There’s this supposed-to-be-silky pair that are really a polyester texture nightmare. But they are cute lavender, so I don’t pitch them. There’s a pair I got at Walgreens one time when I forgot to bring some on an overnight trip. They never did fit me right. But they also refuse to fall apart, and I could never get rid of a piece of functional clothing. And there is a pair of Halloween spooky ones that are all done with having elastic. But there aren’t any holes. So, you know.
What’s the most embarrassing underwear you own?
Most of them. But to be more specific, underwear can refer to bra and/or panties, right? So let’s go there. The embarrassing thing about my underwear is that none of it goes with any of the rest of it. The bras are one material and style, and the underpants are something totally other. Ugh.
What’s your favorite color of underwear?
Purple and red. Not together. Just, you know, hanging out, each on their own side of the drawer, waiting for a power day when I need secret-undie-strength. (What? You don’t use the “little did he know, I had on my red fighting panties” line to motivate yourself?)
I can’t think of one. There are some prints I have regretted. And mostly I prefer my underwear to be a solid color with maybe same-colored designs. But really, no, color isn’t a reason for me to skip.
What’s your favorite underwear on a member of the opposite sex?
Well, let’s clarify here. My son’s in the Oedipal phase, so that seems necessary. If we’re talking a member of the opposite sex who is dependent upon me for life etc., I like anything that will stay on his rotten behind for more than a few minutes.
If, on the other hand, we’re talking about the member of the opposite sex to whom I am married, I think I like anything silky. Hmm… I think I may have to buy that, as Scott owns nothing of the kind.
What underwear do you hate seeing on a member of the opposite sex?
It’s that naked four year old thing I can’t stand. Do you know how OLD the question, “Do you see my peeeeenis?” has gotten? Do you have any idea how much I hate the particular shrieking laugh that means Sam is streaking through the house when he ought to be getting dressed? Can you imagine my displeasure with that Ray Stevens song?
Have you ever lost your underwear while out somewhere?
Yes. But you get your head out of the gutter. When you shower after swimming at the YMCA with The Streak and his baffled sister, you forget important things in the dressing stall. The question, “Mom, where are my clothes?” becomes very high priority when the speaker is apt to either bolt nekkid or meander nude out into the lobby because he or she didn’t physically SEE you over there trying to get dressed without traumatizing the naked little kids in the room.
Have you ever found someone’s underwear while out somewhere?
Um. This goes back to the YMCA thing. It’s not like I have the only streaker in town. Yes, of COURSE I’ve found other women’s underwear. I just didn’t do anything about them. Presumably they will either be pitched or the owner will remember where she left her panties and come back.
How often do you buy new underwear?
When more than a few pairs start to disintegrate. When I someday lose a sufficient amount of weight to make other things comfy, I want to enter the ranks of those who do not shop by the Wal-Mart Seven Pack.
Do you buy underwear for anyone but yourself?
Yeah. In addition to The Nudist and The Wanderer, I’ve been known to grab a pack for The Husband.
Where do you like to buy your underwear?
Do you have a favorite brand of underwear?
Hanes Her Way. And I wouldn’t call it ‘favorite’ so much as ‘least uncomfortable’.
Is there anywhere you refuse to buy underwear?
Victoria’s Secret. Vicky has nothing in my size.
Do you own any novelty underwear?
Edible undies? (have you noticed that ‘chocolate’ has got competition here?)
Have you ever bought novelty underwear for anyone?
Again, let’s define the audience. If by ‘novelty’ you mean ‘character’, then I buy my kids novelty underwear all the time. It’s better than letting them streak through the YMCA.
Have you ever worn someone else’s underwear?
Oh God yes. My Mom and I got our underwear mixed up a lot because we both wore plain old package stuff. And when I was a kid, I remember this humiliating day when NOBODY had clean underwear except my Dad. We ALL had tightey whities that day. Except that they were loose and embarrassing on me. As an adult, I’ve been stuck in my husband’s a couple of times. Really uncomfortable.
Has anyone else ever worn your underwear?
See above about my Mom and I getting ours mixed up in the clean wash.
What type of underwear do you wear most?
I’m so dorky. I’m 100% a high rise briefs kind of girl. Actually, when I went over to the high risers was when Mom and I stopped getting mixed up, because she is a 100% granny panty (as opposed to the 99% that high risers are) girl.
Is there any kind of underwear you refuse to wear?
Yes. Thong. I completely fail to see the appeal. Unless you happen to be in ballet, nobody is looking anyway for the pantyline back there. And if you’re going to wear a thong, why not just skip the whole underwear deal? Why the hell would you want something stuck up your crack all day? Isn’t that why people pick wedgies for fuck’s sake? Because it’s UNFUCKING COMFORTABLE?
Jessie Powell is the Jester Queen. She likes to tell you about her dog, her kids, her fiction, and her blog, but not necessarily in that order.