Observe

The murdered girl stared at her own reflection. As dead as she was, she still retained her most basic functions. She could see herself, smell the rank odor of her decay, hear memories that wept down from the fluorescent lights.

She heard the squeak of sneakers. “Can you change her?” her mother asked. Was that the smell, then? Just shit? Had she been upgraded from decomposing to merely falling out in clumps?

“Oh,” said the nurse. “Yes, I’ll get that right away.” The murdered girl heard the soft-soled retreat as the nurse went for supplies so she could pretend to observe yet another formality reserved for the living.

“How are you doing?” her mother asked in her softest voice. But under that quiet, the girl could still hear her mother screaming. What has he done to you? He’s murdered you, murdered you, baby!

Her mother kissed her forehead. “Can you squeeze my hand today?”

She wanted to seize great fistfuls of blanket like she had seized the air as she fell. She wanted to grab onto her mother’s face and shout that she had dying to get on with and didn’t have time for clumping waste and fingers that couldn’t even manipulate the remote control to change the fucking Price Is Right off the television.

“Well, the doctor says to keep working on it. Do you want me to read?” And underneath that, the doctor whispering to her mother, “Be patient, it’s early days.” The doctor could afford to say that. His early days were her late days. None of these people seemed to understand that she was dead.

She blinked one time. Yes.

Her mother said, “Chapter three”. The murdered girl barely heard the nurse’s return. She descended into the rhythm of her mother’s voice, following the tone more than the words. She rose up and sank down on hills of language that seemed to carry her outward, bearing her on to a world where even the dead could fly.

___________________________________________

Here is my Trifecta entry for this week.  This week’s word is in the title. Observe.

About jesterqueen:
Jessie Powell is the Jester Queen. She likes to tell you about her dog, her kids, her fiction, and her blog, but not necessarily in that order.

Comments

Observe — 48 Comments

    • Thanks Diane! I always worry when my protagonist refuses to have a name. But this girl was stubbornly identifying by her self-assigned title.

  1. Those are captivating words you’ve posted. Definitely one of my three favourites this week. (Excuse my weird spelling—I’m Australian.)
    Hop over and visit Tamyka Bell’s recent post RitualMy Profile

    • I love British/Aussie/Canadian spellings. They aren’t weird. They’re exotic! I’m really glad you liked the story.

  2. Paralysis after an accident? A waking coma? Locked-in Syndrome?

    This is an excellent story. You’ve got to win this week. Wow. Powerful writing here…This is great.
    Hop over and visit Scriptor Obscura’s recent post Good ManMy Profile

    • I was going for the paralysis after an accident, but Locked-In Syndrome would work perfectly, because of the eyes!!

  3. That is excellent. Just excellent. I’ve often wondered about the level of understanding that really takes place while in that suspended state. Very good stuff, Ms. JQ.
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    • It’s something I’ve always been curious about, too. From everything I’ve heard and read, it seems like the mind can be trapped complete in a body long dead. I would love to know what would happen if such a brain could be transplanted into the body of someone who had been reduced to a vegitative coma.

    • It’s something I’ve always been curious about, too. From everything I’ve heard and read, it seems like the mind can be trapped complete in a body long dead. I would love to know what would happen if such a brain could be transplanted into the body of someone who had been reduced to a persistent vegitative state.

    • Thanks Barbara! Sorry for the delayed reply. Stupid wordpress condemned you to spammer hell. You have, however, been saved now :).

  4. All sorts of reactions for this one: creepy, thought provoking, sad. I don’t know! Well written as usual though, of course! 🙂
    Hop over and visit idiosyncratic eye’s recent post FO: The Saga of a PonchoMy Profile

    • I’m not sure what to make of her either. She kind of freaked me out when she showed up in my head yesterday while I was playing with my kid at the park. I was trying to eat fake vegetable soup and in she popped.

    • I think she’s hallucinating from a near total paralysis. Some of what she sees is real, and some of it is just what floats in the mind.

  5. Once again, JQ, your writing is superior. I really felt for her. The feeling of her being “trapped” is so agonizing. I can’t imagine. This sounds like it should be a passage in a novel.
    Hop over and visit Mel’s recent post I DON’T QUINOAMy Profile

    • It would be alarming to find out what came before and after, that’s for sure!

    • Thanks! wanted something visceral for the return from hallucination of death to the reality of her trapped existence.

  6. Another steller submission. I am so jealous for your ability to craft such amazing short pieces of fiction.

    Bravo! I loved this. S
    Hop over and visit Carrie’s recent post #100WordSong: SatiatedMy Profile

    • I took a flash fiction course in my grad program. And I remember … not one piece I wrote in there was under 1,000 words, and all of them were painfully extracted. I feel like I’m taking the class over by doing Trifecta, and actually ‘getting’ it this time!

  7. Simply brilliant. Just, brilliant. This is one of my favorites of your Trifecta pieces. You are amazing with your words, stories, characterization, dialogue. I have so much to learn…
    Hop over and visit Sandra’s recent post Dear Circus SpectacularMy Profile

    • Thanks Sandra,

      Two of my inspirations have been Amanda at Last Mom on Earth and columbibueno. Both of them just set of fireworks inside my skull.

    • Thanks Ruby! I’m loving the blogging connections I can make through Trifecta.

    • Thanks Guapo! I’m totally enchanted with your learning to skydive series. I want to do something like that. I SO want to do something like that.

  8. This was wonderful. The inner dialogue was perfect. I often wonder what is happening in someone’s mind when in a coma or Locked-in. Fascinating take of the prompt.
    Hop over and visit Tara R.’s recent post I’d do it againMy Profile

    • I’m so glad you liked it Tara! Your grandma scene delighted me. There was a combination of the whole family feeling obligated combined with the sense that none of them really cared about Meemaw at all any longer.

  9. Love this – horrible and creepy and frankly, one of my most terrifying nightmares. I love her observation “None of these people seemed to understand that she was dead.” But really, it’s the last line that just clinched it for me.
    Hop over and visit Christine’s recent post The BellmanMy Profile

    • Thanks! I’m afraid to do it, because I’m afraid she’d never get her sensations back!

  10. I really like the idea that she’s been murdered — even though she still has her senses functioning. (It’s completely horrifying, but I like it.)
    Hop over and visit Annabelle’s recent post Birthday DragonMy Profile

  11. This is so arresting and scary. It sent chills up my spine. Beautifully written.
    Hop over and visit Imelda’s recent post A HOPEMy Profile

    • Thanks Imelda,

      I hope I never find out firsthand whether or not I got it right.

  12. Your story is powerful and taut and mysterious, with layers that had me wondering and thinking. I’m a little shaken and still pondering it even now.

    • Wow! Thanks. She really stuck with me when I was writing her. She wanted to badly to move that she KEPT MOVING THINGS in the story – an arm, a leg, and I’d have to go back and edit it out, feeling like I was a killer all the while.

  13. At first I was thinking she thought she was dead and just didn’t realize she was still alive. Then it became clear that she felt like she might as well be dead. So tragic-Great submission this week!

    • Thanks, Rachael. She may actually believe she’s dead and trapped in some kind of purgatory. It’s reasonable to believe she’s so souped up on drugs that she’s swooping around the hospital in her sleep. Most likely, though, she feels like she might as well be dead and wishes they would stop stimulating her and just let her die.

  14. I’ve read this times tonight. I can’t get past the theme of perspective and loss.

    This is so stark. You know I love edge and darkness and damn this soaks in both.

    I love it. Give me another 50K words of this.
    Hop over and visit Lance’s recent post Never Let You GoMy Profile

    • Thanks Lance! I’m hoping she’ll leave my head alone, actually. But if she doesn’t, man I’m going to have to write her out of there.

      • that’s how i started Violet and her dad/soul to body. it was a dream, then a thought, and now im writing them out of my head.

        i loved this piece. you can write your ass off.
        Hop over and visit Lance’s recent post Never Let You GoMy Profile