Friday Fluff (Special Edition August 2012)

Guess what? (I’m so happy I could fall over and die or something. Only then I’d never get this typed.) Lisa over at Seeking Elevation has revived (for a special one linky only deal) Friday Fluff!! (Cue the heavenly choir.) Join up with Lisa here…

So. Without further ado, let’s get down to brass tacks and nail some Jello to someplace unspeakable.

From the depths of myspace comes a serious case of the…..

 Random Have You Evers

Gotten a Brazillian Wax? Can I tell you something? No, seriously. I think women who wax off everything to bow to some sexist definition of personal appearance should just go ahead and wax off their brains with the hair.If he leaves you over your ass hair, he wasn’t worth having to begin with sweetie. Or she.

Open a Star Burst with your Tounge? Madame Syntax wishes to point out that it is “opened”, and, um, I wasn’t one of the cool kids. I didn’t know this was popular. I never tried.

Had a Spit Ball Fight? No

Peed in a Pool? Yes. Everyone who has ever been six and in a pool has peed in it.

Laughd so Hard you Cried? Your spellchecker called. It says it hopes the two of you can work things out. It really misses you. A lot.

Drank Something that Came out your Nose?  The word is “drunk” and the answer is “no”. However, I have the bad habit of saying funny shit while Scott brushes his teeth. I’ve nearly caused him to spew mouthwash or toothpaste on multiple occasions.

Been in the Hospital? Four Times. Two Babies, One Laparoscopic Surgery/ Burning Off of Endometrial Growths, One Massive Hysterectomy. (That Last One Was The Most Awesome Gift.)

Gotten Sun Burnt? Madame Syntax questions your use of ‘burnt’ in this context. But yes, I have gotten a sunburn. Someday, I will tell the story of how I horrified my least favorite college prof with a full on lobster burn.

Drove a Car?
Class! Let’s CONJUGATE!! All together now!
I drive I car.
Yesterday, I drove a car.
Tomorrow I will drive a car.
When I’m driving, I like to think of grammar.
So yes, I have driven a car.

Cooked Something Without Burning it? You’re not invited to dinner now. I almost never burn foods.

 Gotten So Drunk you Couldnt Remember WTF you Did?  The Madame says that you missed an apostrophe back there. Go back and take the left turn at Albuquerque, then start the sentence all over. And like I said, I wasn’t one of the cool kids. I was in grad school before I ever got drunk, and I’ve never made it to the blackout stage. I can’t say this is a bad thing.

Been on a Boat Without Getting Sea Sick? Try this fucker. I’ve never been seasick on a boat.

Watch the Sun Come Up? OK, now I’ll grant you that drive is an irregular verb. And maybe you just never learned about “ed” endings. But. It’s “WATCHED”. And yes. The first time I ever did it on purpose was in winter in the Grand Canyon. I need to do it again in summer, because the winter sunrise was kind of meh.

Cut your Wrist? When the fuck did I fall onto the set of Girl, Interrupted?

Lost a Sock in the Laundry? Just one?

Held a Snake? Yup. Remind me to tell you my story about the Brownie-scouts and the ball python. Ah, fuck. It’s short. I’ll tell you now. One time, at the natural history museum, this guy had his pet 20 foot ball python. I was there with the Brownies. The rest of them cowered. I begged to hold it. He let me pet it, anyway. And get your mind out of the gutter, there was nothing sexual about that, damn it.

Went a Week Without Takeing a Shower/Changeing your Clothes?  OK, the spellchecker and grammar checker have teamed up. They’re offering you a hell of a deal if you’ll just take them back, baby.

Been Called a Bitch? Of course. And sometimes, it was true.

How about a Fag? Uh …. Nope. Is this one of those moments when we revel in the part where the survey was written by teens, cringe at the slur, or …. Wait! I know. I’ll make a British joke. No. Nobody has ever called me a cigarette butt.

Queer? Honey, unless they’re gay, they don’t come queerer than me.

Loser?  Remember that ‘cool kids club’ that I wasn’t ever a member of? Yeah. They called me loser rather a lot. But I’d rather be my kind of loser than their kind of winner.

Whore? Nobody has ever accused me of getting paid to have sex.

Slut? And nobody has ever accused me of being promiscuous and unpaid, either.

Had a Bf/Gf? That sounds like either an awesome hamburger or an awkward sexual position. Or possibly a diet plan. Like GFCF only with a B and in a different order.

Went Golfing? GONE Golfing, and no.

Had Jello Shots? THANK GOD. Linda, you’ve saved me from another ‘cool kids’ answer. I can say, finally, that I’ve done something the cool kids did. Well. Kind of. I’ve had one Jello shot. Ever. At Linda’s birthday party this year. Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

Had a Big Crush but they didnt Like You Back? Clearly, you missed Albuquerque. It’s in New Mexico. Your apostrophe awaits. And until I met my husband, this describes every single potential relationship I had ever. They were all wholly in my head.

Pierced Anything?  Ears. But technically, someone else did the piercing.

Had a Tattoo? I like them on others, but am too chickenshit to do it myself.

Shaved Your Legs/Face? Both. The cool kids used to mock me because in 8th grade, I had a darker moustache than some of the guys. Yes, really. It’s only gotten worse.

Knotted a Cherry Stem With your Tounge? My Mom is like a champ at this. She tried to talk me through it once. I gagged on the stem and gave up.

Dressd up For Halloween?  OK, I’m telling you, you need your spellchecker and grammar checker as much as they need you. Honey, for all our sakes, take them BACK.

Smoked a Ciggarette? You are overly fond of double letters. That’s OK. Me, too. Only, gosh, my spell and grammar checkers catch me. And fuck no. My parents smoke. Ugh.

Smoked Weed? See the answer about cigarettes. Same answer. Same reason. (NB: They smoked cigarettes around me. Not weed.)

Went Over your cell minutes? GONE GONE GONE. Gone. And yes.

Got Into a Arguement with a teacher? Gotten. I had a track record in grad school. The profs felt invalid if they didn’t argue with Jessie over something.

How About a Fight? Library school was like a giant screaming match with some old farts who needed to retire.

Missd Someone So bad it Hurt? I thought it only hurt if you hit them. The e and the apostrophe are hanging out with the spellchecker and grammar checker in Albuquerque waiting for word from you about a possible settlement.

Missed someone so bad you couldnt Eat or Sleep? Look, just call them. What can it hurt? Maybe the apostrophe has taught something to the e, who has, in turn, enhanced the checkers to the point that you’d really be screwing yourself not to allow them back into your heart.

 Seen a Dead Body? Every time I go to a funeral home.

Sang To Yourself in the Mirror? Sung. (I’m telling you, it’s an awesome offer.) And I prefer to think of it as “singing along with”.

Cut yourself Shaveing? Sigh. So you took back the ‘e’ and then alienated it by putting it in the wrong word?

Drank a RedBull? DRUNK. And no. And you just outed yourself, if the shaving question didn’t, as being about 12.

Sang karaoke? Yes. I have sung Karaoke before. I’m not half bad.

Spilld Something on YourSelf? Really? You can’t spell ‘spilled’ OR get the capitalization of ‘YoUrSeLf’ right? Did your ‘e’ leave you again? Honey, I’m so sorry!

Ate So much You Wanted to Throw Up? Eaten. And yes. But I’m on a diet, so let’s not talk about it.

Workd Out At a Gym? The ‘e’ is back with the apostrophe and the checkers in Alburquerque.  It’s still willing to give you another chance. And yes. The better to be off this stupid diet with, my dear.

Drank a PinaColada out of a CocoNut? Drunk. You put de lime in de coconut and drink it all up….

Ate a Whole Trey of Oreos? Eatenwait… I thought this was a FAMILY quiz. Now you’re eating oreo-covered-men? Yowie! Somebody put the piranhas back in the tank!

Toilet Papered Someones House? “Someone” is possessive, not plural. You need that apostrophe. For all your sakes, please, negotiate. And I’m sorry to say that where I lived, it took effort to get around to a house and do that. So no. Also, the cool kids would never have invited me, anyway. They would have been afraid I would have told. And they would have probably been right.

 How About Egged a House? See above.

Trippd Over your Shoe Laces? Albuquerque.

Made a Funny Video? Hm. No. Still on the bucket list.

Made a sex video? Uh, you’re twelve. If they answer were yes, I couldn’t tell you. But the answer is no. So I can.

Made Fun Of Somebody and got caught? Probably yes, but I can’t remember it because I’m so high and mighty about not picking on people.

 Playd a Prank On somebody on April Fools Day? Albuquerque.

 Got spanked By your Parents? “Gotten” and yes.

Stolen Your Familys Car? Albuquerque! And no.

 Gotten Blamed For Something you Didnt Do? I give up. Dear ‘e’, apostrophe, spellchecker and grammar checker. I tried to get this joker to write well, but it just didn’t work. I’m very sorry. It’s not my fault. You can crash on my couch anytime.

Cheated on a Bf or Gf? No. But I married him. Does that count?

Snuck Out of the House? I had a friend who would have done this with me, actually. But I was too chickenshit to go. And we lived in the middle of nowhere. It’s not like I would have had anyplace to sneak out to.

 

AND there you have it. Some fluffy fluff to fluff off to. {Whistles innocently}

 

 

About jesterqueen:
Jessie Powell is the Jester Queen. She likes to tell you about her dog, her kids, her fiction, and her blog, but not necessarily in that order.

Comments

Friday Fluff (Special Edition August 2012) — 15 Comments

  1. Ha! I have no idea how you got through this without going insane. Wow. It makes me feel like a delinquent that I could have answered in the affirmative to most of those questions before I ever left junior high. Who am I kidding, I am a delinquent. And the brazilian wax? Oh lawd. Never had one of those…. but only because I’ve never needed one. Dude, I’ve shaved it ALL since… once again… junior high. Except when I was 9 months pregnant but only because I couldn’t see it. Trust me, it has nothing to do with society’s idea of women or anything like that. It’s just always been a peeve of mine. I have no idea why. I just can’t stand it ;-)

  2. When the fuck did I fall onto the set of Girl, Interrupted? God oh god oh god… this was beyond hilarious! Where the heck does this quiz come from? Insane! But your answers and corrections were priceless

    p.s. I am SO scared of all my potential mistakes in my comment!
    Hop over and visit Marie’s recent post A Day In The Life… This is MY Fantasy!My Profile

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