I hate big boobs (and I cannot lie)

My boobs and I have come to an agreement over the years. They will hang down to my belly button. I will bitch, moan, and threaten to hack them off. It’s a good arrangement for them.

They get to hulk around on my chest, making running and any other bouncy activities impossible. At one point, I tried strapping myself in with an ace bandage. It worked loose. I spent the rest of that jog in the traditional cross-armed clutch known by large breasted women the world over as the “Jesus, these fucking things cancel breathing every time they jounce” run.

They get to humiliate me in public. They tend to pop out in the swimming pool and ocean in all but the least comfortable bathing suits.  I twice duct taped myself into strapless bras to be in friends’ weddings. I did it a third time for my own.

And most of all, they get to hurt me. I have a K cup people. The eleventh letter of the alphabet. And that don’t mean no Keurig size, neither. The indentations on my shoulders are probably permanent. Every time I lose weight, I go up a cup. I thought that was supposed to work the opposite way.

There’s never any question that reduction surgery would be covered by insurance. But the one time I was at the point of scheduling it (back when I was a mere G), I met this guy, realized we’d probably have babies together, knew I’d want to nurse, and, whoops, that was fifteen years and two kids ago now.

I’ve wanted to make the change for some time, but have held back. I don’t want a shitty boob job, though frankly that would be better than the back pain. And I don’t want this to be some vanity thing. I’m not a fan of plastic surgery for its own sake.

And there’s that other Thing. The Big Thing.  Whatever else my boobs may be, they are healthy.

So many women’s breasts are not healthy. One friend of ours has survived cancer not once, but twice. Double mastectomy. Another is fighting it now. (And kicking its ass.) She’s also undergoing a double mastectomy soon, once her term of chemo finishes. And a third friend thought she’d won only to have the fucking cancer come back and metastasize. She fought hard, but she died, leaving her husband and three small sons behind. So my complaints about a sore back and painful exercise seem petty. And it’s hard to cope with a problem when it feels petty.

But a surprising number of friends here in town have had reduction surgery, and all of them swear it’s the best thing they’ve done for themselves. (I say that about my hysterectomy.) So last month I finally nerved up and spoke to a highly recommended doctor.

Long story short, the surgery is tomorrow.

Bye, bye, big boobies. Bye, bye, back pain. Twelve hours from now, I’ll be on my way to something like a C cup. Wish me luck folks and watch for my pain-killer induced, inappropriate Facebook humor.

See you on the other, smaller, side.


About jesterqueen:
Jessie Powell is the Jester Queen. She likes to tell you about her dog, her kids, her fiction, and her blog, but not necessarily in that order.


I hate big boobs (and I cannot lie) — 20 Comments

  1. You know exactly how I feel about this…WOO-HOO! and a bit jealous because I’d love to schedule mine too.

    I am happy that the time is right and that perhaps the backaches, headaches and all around ache will be gone and you can jog in a bathing suit if you want to. Here’s to that.

    Thinking of you…and your smaller boobs. (Lucky! 😉 ) xo
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    • Haha! Actually, I did take before shots. I’ve got to get the afters still. I’m in a bra, so it’s no more revealing than a bikini, but it is dramatic and amazing.

  2. You’ll be in my thoughts in the coming days, Jessie. I’m really happy for you, as I’ve had several relatives go through this procedure. They have NEVER been happier than when they were up and around again with smaller boobies.
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  3. Oh wow, Jessie! Good for you. I’ll be thinking of you and looking forward to hearing about your successful C cup! Speedy recovery!
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  4. Good luck tomorrow, Jessie. While you are going through your ordeal, I will sit here willing my tiny bumps to grow, for, you see, they are so small that I can’t bend over far enough for them to hold a pencil underneath them. I do understand your issue, I do. Back pain and the inability to move like you want to is crummy. Why do some of us get too much and others, like me, get none? Doesn’t seem right, somehow.
    Be thinking of you tomorrow and sending love and good wishes for a quick recovery.

  5. Keeping you in thought (it’s now “tomorrow” where I live) and hoping all will “go” as planned, and that your recovery will be speedy.

  6. soooo I guess now I can’t stare at your boobs in conversation anymore?? Bummer but hey your face ain’t bad neither, lol. I am happy you are finally getting to do it!!

    • Oh, they’re gorgeous now. We can stare and chat all we like. I spent forty five topless minutes sitting in a small room with Scott and the nurse the day after the procedure chatting away like everybody stuck their boobs out like that!

  7. Based on the comments, it sounds like the surgery went well. I hope your recovery continues to be uneventful and that you feel happier and healthier now!
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    • It’s amazing. My shoulders immediately didn’t hurt. I thought the pain would diminish gradually, but there are nerve endings in my left shoulder that I used to know by heart that I can’t find anymore.

    • I know! Actually, they make them for bigger chests now, but they cost like fifty bucks and only last a matter of months because they can’t survive the … umm… trauma of actual sports.