Friday Fluff

Lisa Harvey, one of the Trifecta editors, developed this absurdly funny meme in which grown women, answered quizzes just like we were teenagers reading magazines. The best part? The quizzes were written by real teenagers. They were posted over on Quizopolous. Every week, Lisa picked one out, and we all posted our answers on our own blogs and linked back up with her over at Seeking Elevation. Although the meme has run its course, it was fun being a fluffer while it lasted. And yes, we know what fluffer means.

Friday Fluff (Special Edition August 2012)

Last modified on 2012-08-04 23:43:48 GMT. 15 comments. Top.

Guess what? (I’m so happy I could fall over and die or something. Only then I’d never get this typed.) Lisa over at Seeking Elevation has revived (for a special one linky only deal) Friday Fluff!! (Cue the heavenly choir.) Join up with Lisa here…

So. Without further ado, let’s get down to brass tacks and nail some Jello to someplace unspeakable.

From the depths of myspace comes a serious case of the…..

 Random Have You Evers

Gotten a Brazillian Wax? Can I tell you something? No, seriously. I think women who wax off everything to bow to some sexist definition of personal appearance should just go ahead and wax off their brains with the hair.If he leaves you over your ass hair, he wasn’t worth having to begin with sweetie. Or she.

Open a Star Burst with your Tounge? Madame Syntax wishes to point out that it is “opened”, and, um, I wasn’t one of the cool kids. I didn’t know this was popular. I never tried.

Had a Spit Ball Fight? No

Peed in a Pool? Yes. Everyone who has ever been six and in a pool has peed in it.

Laughd so Hard you Cried? Your spellchecker called. It says it hopes the two of you can work things out. It really misses you. A lot.

Drank Something that Came out your Nose?  The word is “drunk” and the answer is “no”. However, I have the bad habit of saying funny shit while Scott brushes his teeth. I’ve nearly caused him to spew mouthwash or toothpaste on multiple occasions.

Been in the Hospital? Four Times. Two Babies, One Laparoscopic Surgery/ Burning Off of Endometrial Growths, One Massive Hysterectomy. (That Last One Was The Most Awesome Gift.)

Gotten Sun Burnt? Madame Syntax questions your use of ‘burnt’ in this context. But yes, I have gotten a sunburn. Someday, I will tell the story of how I horrified my least favorite college prof with a full on lobster burn.

Drove a Car?
Class! Let’s CONJUGATE!! All together now!
I drive I car.
Yesterday, I drove a car.
Tomorrow I will drive a car.
When I’m driving, I like to think of grammar.
So yes, I have driven a car.

Cooked Something Without Burning it? You’re not invited to dinner now. I almost never burn foods.

 Gotten So Drunk you Couldnt Remember WTF you Did?  The Madame says that you missed an apostrophe back there. Go back and take the left turn at Albuquerque, then start the sentence all over. And like I said, I wasn’t one of the cool kids. I was in grad school before I ever got drunk, and I’ve never made it to the blackout stage. I can’t say this is a bad thing.

Been on a Boat Without Getting Sea Sick? Try this fucker. I’ve never been seasick on a boat.

Watch the Sun Come Up? OK, now I’ll grant you that drive is an irregular verb. And maybe you just never learned about “ed” endings. But. It’s “WATCHED”. And yes. The first time I ever did it on purpose was in winter in the Grand Canyon. I need to do it again in summer, because the winter sunrise was kind of meh.

Cut your Wrist? When the fuck did I fall onto the set of Girl, Interrupted?

Lost a Sock in the Laundry? Just one?

Held a Snake? Yup. Remind me to tell you my story about the Brownie-scouts and the ball python. Ah, fuck. It’s short. I’ll tell you now. One time, at the natural history museum, this guy had his pet 20 foot ball python. I was there with the Brownies. The rest of them cowered. I begged to hold it. He let me pet it, anyway. And get your mind out of the gutter, there was nothing sexual about that, damn it.

Went a Week Without Takeing a Shower/Changeing your Clothes?  OK, the spellchecker and grammar checker have teamed up. They’re offering you a hell of a deal if you’ll just take them back, baby.

Been Called a Bitch? Of course. And sometimes, it was true.

How about a Fag? Uh …. Nope. Is this one of those moments when we revel in the part where the survey was written by teens, cringe at the slur, or …. Wait! I know. I’ll make a British joke. No. Nobody has ever called me a cigarette butt.

Queer? Honey, unless they’re gay, they don’t come queerer than me.

Loser?  Remember that ‘cool kids club’ that I wasn’t ever a member of? Yeah. They called me loser rather a lot. But I’d rather be my kind of loser than their kind of winner.

Whore? Nobody has ever accused me of getting paid to have sex.

Slut? And nobody has ever accused me of being promiscuous and unpaid, either.

Had a Bf/Gf? That sounds like either an awesome hamburger or an awkward sexual position. Or possibly a diet plan. Like GFCF only with a B and in a different order.

Went Golfing? GONE Golfing, and no.

Had Jello Shots? THANK GOD. Linda, you’ve saved me from another ‘cool kids’ answer. I can say, finally, that I’ve done something the cool kids did. Well. Kind of. I’ve had one Jello shot. Ever. At Linda’s birthday party this year. Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

Had a Big Crush but they didnt Like You Back? Clearly, you missed Albuquerque. It’s in New Mexico. Your apostrophe awaits. And until I met my husband, this describes every single potential relationship I had ever. They were all wholly in my head.

Pierced Anything?  Ears. But technically, someone else did the piercing.

Had a Tattoo? I like them on others, but am too chickenshit to do it myself.

Shaved Your Legs/Face? Both. The cool kids used to mock me because in 8th grade, I had a darker moustache than some of the guys. Yes, really. It’s only gotten worse.

Knotted a Cherry Stem With your Tounge? My Mom is like a champ at this. She tried to talk me through it once. I gagged on the stem and gave up.

Dressd up For Halloween?  OK, I’m telling you, you need your spellchecker and grammar checker as much as they need you. Honey, for all our sakes, take them BACK.

Smoked a Ciggarette? You are overly fond of double letters. That’s OK. Me, too. Only, gosh, my spell and grammar checkers catch me. And fuck no. My parents smoke. Ugh.

Smoked Weed? See the answer about cigarettes. Same answer. Same reason. (NB: They smoked cigarettes around me. Not weed.)

Went Over your cell minutes? GONE GONE GONE. Gone. And yes.

Got Into a Arguement with a teacher? Gotten. I had a track record in grad school. The profs felt invalid if they didn’t argue with Jessie over something.

How About a Fight? Library school was like a giant screaming match with some old farts who needed to retire.

Missd Someone So bad it Hurt? I thought it only hurt if you hit them. The e and the apostrophe are hanging out with the spellchecker and grammar checker in Albuquerque waiting for word from you about a possible settlement.

Missed someone so bad you couldnt Eat or Sleep? Look, just call them. What can it hurt? Maybe the apostrophe has taught something to the e, who has, in turn, enhanced the checkers to the point that you’d really be screwing yourself not to allow them back into your heart.

 Seen a Dead Body? Every time I go to a funeral home.

Sang To Yourself in the Mirror? Sung. (I’m telling you, it’s an awesome offer.) And I prefer to think of it as “singing along with”.

Cut yourself Shaveing? Sigh. So you took back the ‘e’ and then alienated it by putting it in the wrong word?

Drank a RedBull? DRUNK. And no. And you just outed yourself, if the shaving question didn’t, as being about 12.

Sang karaoke? Yes. I have sung Karaoke before. I’m not half bad.

Spilld Something on YourSelf? Really? You can’t spell ‘spilled’ OR get the capitalization of ‘YoUrSeLf’ right? Did your ‘e’ leave you again? Honey, I’m so sorry!

Ate So much You Wanted to Throw Up? Eaten. And yes. But I’m on a diet, so let’s not talk about it.

Workd Out At a Gym? The ‘e’ is back with the apostrophe and the checkers in Alburquerque.  It’s still willing to give you another chance. And yes. The better to be off this stupid diet with, my dear.

Drank a PinaColada out of a CocoNut? Drunk. You put de lime in de coconut and drink it all up….

Ate a Whole Trey of Oreos? Eatenwait… I thought this was a FAMILY quiz. Now you’re eating oreo-covered-men? Yowie! Somebody put the piranhas back in the tank!

Toilet Papered Someones House? “Someone” is possessive, not plural. You need that apostrophe. For all your sakes, please, negotiate. And I’m sorry to say that where I lived, it took effort to get around to a house and do that. So no. Also, the cool kids would never have invited me, anyway. They would have been afraid I would have told. And they would have probably been right.

 How About Egged a House? See above.

Trippd Over your Shoe Laces? Albuquerque.

Made a Funny Video? Hm. No. Still on the bucket list.

Made a sex video? Uh, you’re twelve. If they answer were yes, I couldn’t tell you. But the answer is no. So I can.

Made Fun Of Somebody and got caught? Probably yes, but I can’t remember it because I’m so high and mighty about not picking on people.

 Playd a Prank On somebody on April Fools Day? Albuquerque.

 Got spanked By your Parents? “Gotten” and yes.

Stolen Your Familys Car? Albuquerque! And no.

 Gotten Blamed For Something you Didnt Do? I give up. Dear ‘e’, apostrophe, spellchecker and grammar checker. I tried to get this joker to write well, but it just didn’t work. I’m very sorry. It’s not my fault. You can crash on my couch anytime.

Cheated on a Bf or Gf? No. But I married him. Does that count?

Snuck Out of the House? I had a friend who would have done this with me, actually. But I was too chickenshit to go. And we lived in the middle of nowhere. It’s not like I would have had anyplace to sneak out to.

 

AND there you have it. Some fluffy fluff to fluff off to. {Whistles innocently}

 

 

Friday Fluff April 6, 2012

Last modified on 2012-05-20 02:34:07 GMT. 7 comments. Top.

Hoppy Friday y’all. (I get to say things like that until Sunday. Aren’t you glad?) Easter is one of those middle of the road holidays for me. I’m not Christian, so I don’t go in for He Is Risen. But I don’t mind eggs. Much. And I loved egg hunts as a kid. (Not public ones. Never public ones.) And I never resented the Easter Bunny the way I did Santa Claus. (Why? Who fucking knows. But the red man and I got issues going way back.)  Anyway, tonight, I’m whipping out the dye and newspaper, and I’ll get you wacky eggz shotz tomorrow.

 

IN THE MEANTIME.

I have white space to fill. Copy to write. Etc. to Etc. In other words, it’s time for some Friday Fluff.  Look out Lisa, here I come! Anybody else, can come play, too. Just link up over here.

Do you believe in unicorns?

I presume you’re trying to get me to sing THIS SONG. http://www.lastmomonearth.com/2012/03/green-alligators-and-long-necked-geese.html

Fuck you.

But seriously, go watch the video. Amanda’s children are possibly two of the most adorable human beings I’ve ever seen on the internet.

How many of you does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Six. One to drive to the store and buy light bulbs. One to scream because the nightlight blew. One to give commentary on the state of nightlights, lights in general, the Northern lights, lightning bugs, lighthouses, and light exercise.  One to look everywhere only to realize there are NO MORE NIGHTLIGHT BULBS in the closet.  One to come home from date night and say, “You forgot to put the light bulbs away, here it is on the table”. And one to sleep through the whole thing.

In order, that would be me, Sam, Caroline, the babysitter, Scott and Fudge.

And it came full circle to me, because I screwed in the light bulb and put him to bed.

And don’t you dare ask how many academics it takes to change a bike tire. Because the answer isn’t pretty. Okay okay, the answer is two. As long as the tire didn’t need changing in the first place. No, that isn’t a joke. Quit looking for the punchline. It’s how my academic husband and his academic wife spent the last five hours.

Are you single?

Only in my worst nightmares. Scott and I look at each other daily over our screaming children’s heads and say “Thank GOD I’m not a single parent.”

Do you like pickles?

That was my sister’s nickname when she was a kid ,because she was so sour. I’ve started calling Sam that on his bad days because I know her demon soul is in there trying to steal him away from me, and if I call her by a hated nickname, I hope she’ll be too angry to remember to possess my little boy.

How do you feel about meadows?

My niece’s best friend is named Meadow. She’s a pretty cool kid by all accounts. But she’s singular. As in one Meadow.

Have you heard of Flarp!?

If you ever buy any of that shit for my children, you will die. I will kill you until you are dead, and then I will rob you for the money to replace the CARPETS they ruin with that Farty crud.

Ever flipped a turtle over?

Please clarify. If you mean “have you ever put a turtle on its back”, then FUCK YOU, no. I’m not into cruelty to animals.

If you mean “Found it by the side of the road and carefully turned it right side up”, then yes. Lots. And I am amazed when the shell is unbroken and wonder how it happened that the whole thing flipped but the shell didn’t crack.

Do you like to doodle?

I’d LOVE to Doodle for Google. But I have zero artistic talent.

How do you feel about long socks and chucks?

Is this a question about that movie Child’s Play? Because that was the dumbest thing ever. And I don’t remember whether or not Chuckie even wore socks.

Would you rather find a four leaf clover or a heads up penny?

I’d rather find a winning lottery ticket, the cleaning fairy at my front door, something to make my son stop screaming like a maniac until his meds kick in EVERY MORNING, AND a hundred dollar bill where nobody could possibly ever want to come back and claim it (because otherwise, I’ll find some way to give it back).

 Ever squirted orange juice in your eye?

Sounds like a euphemism to me. I think I’ll not answer on those grounds. I mean, my blog is such a clean space. We never discuss vulgar things here.

Do you keep a journal/diary?

I blog, therefore, I record.

Do you play an instrument?

I played a crappy flute until I left school after 9th grade. I own a piano that I want tremendously to play.

What is your favorite sound?

Music. Rich, flowing, symphonic, cacophonous, acidic, hard rocking, bluegrass twanging music.

How many kisses on the lips have you given?

I’m starting to think you’re sexually deprived. Are you going to go jerk off to the thought of me kissing on the lips? Do you have any idea? I’ve been married for over ten years now. We almost never peck on the cheek.

What’s your favorite ride at the amusement park?

Anything that doesn’t twirl me around until I puke. I love roller coasters. I hate the tilt-o-whirl.

Friday Fluff March 30, 2012

Last modified on 2012-03-31 14:15:13 GMT. 17 comments. Top.

As usual, I’m linking up with Lisa over at Seeking Elevation, today completing this quiz.

Are you awesome?

No. I’m Jessie.

This is like when my kids come running up to me whining, “I’m hungry,” or “I’m thirsty.”   I say “Hi, hungry, I’m Jessie. What can I do for you.”  And because they are on the spectrum, they then have to scramble to find the words to describe hunger and thirst without saying “I’m hungry”. It’s not really cruel. They need to be able to do this. But someday? Someday they will turn it on me and I will rue the tactic.

Do you like nachos?

Yes. But the question brings an inappropriate joke to mind. It’s not Jester-style inappropriate either, but full-out racist of the “I wish I hadn’t heard it, now it’s lodged forever in my brain with the word Nacho”. I won’t repeat the joke, but the word after nacho is cheese.  I hate jokes like that. They aren’t funny, and they are compelling for all the wrong reasons

Do you know a person named Ashley?

I know someone with the last name Ashley. Does that count?

Do you have blog?

This should be answered with some kind of a gang sign, shouldn’t it? Yeah. I got blog. You want some? Gonna cost you.

What’s your favorite food?

Steak, appropriately seasoned, and cooked rare or, at most, medium rare. Please no A-1 or Worcestershire sauce unless the piece of meat is already tough, tasteless, and dry. In which case, why the FUCK did you serve it to me?? You may feel free to get me a Texas Road House gift certificate to atone for your sins.

Puppies, kittens, or pot-bellied pigs?

Puppies, and kittens, and pigs. OH MY.

Kittens.

Puppies chew.

Pigs get bigger than most owners expect, and they often become mean.

Kittehs are sweet little sociopaths, and I wish Scott weren’t allergic.

Do you forward those irritating chain e-mails?

No. About the only ‘chain’ I do is those blog awards that require you to answer seven questions about your gerbil, confess to being a monk in your last life, and compose a discourse on the Diet of Worms.

Do you have any stickers?

Is this a euphemism, or are you asking if my kid has decorated me yet today? If it’s a euphemism…eeewwww. If it’s the kid thing, no, but he’ll get around to me. He’s just still working on the dog.

Does your mom have the same color hair as you?

Roughly, yes. Except hers is gray now and mine is brown streaked with gray. Random. I really love my daughter’s my little ponies with the interchangeable plastic hair. It’s like a cross between pony-fun, Mr. Potato-Head, and wig wonders.

How many times a day do you go to facebook?

You assume I ever log OFF of facebook.

When was the last time you had a staring contest?

Oh. Yesterday. In Sam’s club. Sam was being a perfect little shit. (Exhausted and too many stores. No choice, but I knew it was coming). And we got to a point where I just locked eyes with him while he debated his next move. This rarely ends well.  I finally said, “You have two choices. We can leave, or you can crawl under the cart and ride around like a little prisoner.”  For reasons I do not understand, he thought the second choice was hilarious, and for the rest of the trip, he lay under the cart, riding around like he was the dog food or soda pop. Everybody we met cooed over him.

When was the last time you fell asleep with the TV on?

The third of Never. I rarely watch TV. I only recently even got one that goes to the outside world.

Has anyone kissed you today?

Now they have, thanks for asking. I’m sure my husband wonders to what he owes me running into the room and yanking him into my embrace while he wielded a paring knife against a pear.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

What do you see when you turn out the light?

Are vampires real?

Once upon a time, Bram Stoker had a vision. Elizabeth Kostova is one of his few true literary heirs.  I enjoy Ann Rice.  But she’s not what I’m talking about.  There are a limited number of real, extraordinary vampire stories out there. But yes, oh yes, they are real.  The stories, I mean. Outside of literature, vampire bats are real as hell. They just aren’t what you think.

Vampire 1Vampire 2

Friday Fluff, March 23, 2012

Last modified on 2012-03-29 02:44:47 GMT. 14 comments. Top.

“A long time ago in a galaxy far far away….”

Oh no! I have to pick my own quiz at Friday Fluff. I’m so indecisive. I considered this one: http://www.quizopolis.com/a_to_z_survey.php because who wouldn’t want to know everything about me. Only I just did an alphabet post. And the author here appears to have written the answers for me. #Pointless.

Then, I thought about this one here, http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/6811/30-Questions-About-Your-Ex-Survey/, but remembered just in time that I don’t have any exes, having married the first guy I dated. Unless you count the kid I went around with when I was twelve. Which I totally do not, since we only really hung out together since his brother was dating the girl I thought was my best friend who turned out to actually be a frenemy. Only ‘frenemy’ hadn’t been invented at that time, so I just called her ‘that bitch I used to get along with for awhile’.

Finally, though, I settled on this one: http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/861/Crazy-Questions-Survey/. Because, hey, I own my crazy. But then, I realized that there are holy hell a hundred questions and I’m not crazy enough to answer a hundred question quiz when probably half of them are redundant.

But then at last, I found something short AND funny here: http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/6789/15-Wacky-Random-Questions-Survey/

So, here Ieeeee ….. go!

If you were a dog what would you want your name to be?
Chewbacca. Because I’d be a big old hairy walking carpet of a canine.

How are you today?

“…we’re all fine here.” [Blasts out the console.] “Luke! We’re gonna have company.”

You have to choose; owning 9 cats, eating peanut butter forever!

[Breaks out of Star Wars mode]. Wait. Do the cats eat peanut butter forever? What’s the choice here? What’s the punctuation here? Sigh. I’ll go with my gut and say “owning 9 cats”, but they cannot have peanut butter under any circumstances.

 If you could make the sky any color what would it be?

Bright blue with two suns, a desert, and Luke Skywalker whooping “This is just like shooting womp rats back home!” just before he dissolved into the reality of being back home.

Do you think some people are mind readers?

“You fools! He’s using an old Jedi mind trick!”

Would you want to choose your dying date?

Wow, really, I’d rather that my date survived to the end of the meal. Unlike, say Greedo when he went out with Han that one time or Jabba when he captivated Leia.

 Would you want to choose how you die?

“If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

How many woods did the woodchuck chuck?

“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for”

 How many fingers am I holding up?

One. That is not the Vulcan sign either, laddybuck. And you’re in the wrong series if you think you should be giving it here anyway.

Would you ever live a life like Tarzan and be raised by apes?

No. But Wookies probably wouldn’t be so bad.

Should Obi-Wan have been more through and chopped off Anniken’s head?

Should George Lucas have been less thorough and never made those horrendous first three movies?

Should Sarah Palin be banned from government?

Palin, Padmé; Palin, Padmé. Who to ban, who to keep. Tough choices, these.

If you could, would you erase America’s debt?

Does an Ewok shit off a tall tree? On second thought, don’t answer that.

Whats your hair color?

What’s your problem with apostrophes?

“Reblous are you.” “When 900 years old you reach, look this good you will not.”

Did you ever wish you were a member of the opposite sex?

No. But it would be really cool to be a droid or something, don’t you think?

 ________________________________________________________________

Next week? Who can say from whence the quiz will hail. Mayhap I’ll chose again, mayhap t’will be Lisa. Stay tuned until then

Friday Fluff March 16 (Saint Undies Day Edition)

Last modified on 2012-03-16 18:51:32 GMT. 9 comments. Top.

Let’s get straight to the < ahem > bare bones this week people. It’s time to talk down and dirty with the Jester. As always, I’m linking up with Lisa at Seeking Elevation

http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/4614/Underwear-Survey/

What’s your favorite underwear you own?

What? As if I would have favorite underwear owned by someone else? That’s just icky.

Anyway,  my lucky underpants. Right now, that means a pair of bikini style Mickey Mouse prints that barely fit me and therefore leave me flopping and poking out at awkward angles.

Mickey's looking a little Steamboat Willie there, eh?

What’s the worst pair of underwear you own?

I wouldn’t narrow that to one. I’ll discuss three. There’s this supposed-to-be-silky pair that are really a polyester texture nightmare. But they are cute lavender, so I don’t pitch them. There’s a pair I got at Walgreens one time when I forgot to bring some on an overnight trip. They never did fit me right. But they also refuse to fall apart, and I could never get rid of a piece of functional clothing. And there is a pair of Halloween spooky ones that are all done with having elastic. But there aren’t any holes. So, you know.

ItzyNot

Also, let's be clear. I'm neither 'itzy' nor 'bitzy' Not anyplace on my body.

What’s the most embarrassing underwear you own?

Most of them. But to be more specific, underwear can refer to bra and/or panties, right? So let’s go there. The embarrassing thing about my underwear is that none of it goes with any of the rest of it. The bras are one material and style, and the underpants are something totally other. Ugh.

 

What’s your favorite color of underwear?

Purple and red. Not together. Just, you know, hanging out, each on their own side of the drawer, waiting for a power day when I need secret-undie-strength. (What? You don’t use the “little did he know, I had on my red fighting panties” line to motivate yourself?)

Because sometimes, we ALL need an extra power oomph
What color underwear will you not wear?

I can’t think of one. There are some prints I have regretted. And mostly I prefer my underwear to be a solid color with maybe same-colored designs. But really, no, color isn’t a reason for me to skip.
What’s your favorite underwear on a member of the opposite sex?

Well, let’s clarify here. My son’s in the Oedipal phase, so that seems necessary. If we’re talking a member of the opposite sex who is dependent upon me for life etc., I like anything that will stay on his rotten behind for more than a few minutes.

If, on the other hand, we’re talking about the member of the opposite sex to whom I am married, I think I like anything silky. Hmm… I think I may have to buy that, as Scott owns nothing of the kind.
What underwear do you hate seeing on a member of the opposite sex?

It’s that naked four year old thing I can’t stand. Do you know how OLD the question, “Do you see my peeeeenis?” has gotten? Do you have any idea how much I hate the particular shrieking laugh that means Sam is streaking through the house when he ought to be getting dressed? Can you imagine my displeasure with that Ray Stevens  song?
Have you ever lost your underwear while out somewhere?

Yes. But you get your head out of the gutter. When you shower after swimming at the YMCA with The Streak and his baffled sister, you forget important things in the dressing stall. The question, “Mom, where are my clothes?” becomes very high priority when the speaker is apt to either bolt nekkid or meander nude out into the lobby because he or she didn’t physically SEE you over there trying to get dressed without traumatizing the naked little kids in the room.
Have you ever found someone’s underwear while out somewhere?

Um. This goes back to the YMCA thing. It’s not like I have the only streaker in town. Yes, of COURSE I’ve found other women’s underwear. I just didn’t do anything about them. Presumably they will either be pitched or the owner will remember where she left her panties and come back.
How often do you buy new underwear?

When more than a few pairs start to disintegrate. When I someday lose a sufficient amount of weight to make other things comfy, I want to enter the ranks of those who do not shop by the Wal-Mart Seven Pack.

 

Do you buy underwear for anyone but yourself?

Yeah. In addition to The Nudist and The Wanderer, I’ve been known to grab a pack for The Husband.

 

Where do you like to buy your underwear?

Anywhere cheap.
Do you have a favorite brand of underwear?

Hanes Her Way. And I wouldn’t call it ‘favorite’ so much as ‘least uncomfortable’.
Is there anywhere you refuse to buy underwear?

Victoria’s Secret. Vicky has nothing in my size.
Do you own any novelty underwear?

Define novelty. Are we talking funny undies?   (and why don’t the girls get fun hoo-ha covers, I ask? These are just sexual and/or stupid  )

Character undies?

Edible undies? (have you noticed that ‘chocolate’ has got competition here?)
Have you ever bought novelty underwear for anyone?

Again, let’s define the audience. If by ‘novelty’ you mean ‘character’, then I buy my kids novelty underwear all the time. It’s better than letting them streak through the YMCA.

Have you ever worn someone else’s underwear?

Oh God yes.  My Mom and I got our underwear mixed up a lot because we both wore plain old package stuff. And when I was a kid, I remember this humiliating day when NOBODY had clean underwear except my Dad. We ALL had tightey whities that day. Except that they were loose and embarrassing on me. As an adult, I’ve been stuck in my husband’s a couple of times. Really uncomfortable.

Has anyone else ever worn your underwear?

See above about my Mom and I getting ours mixed up in the clean wash.
What type of underwear do you wear most?

I’m so dorky. I’m 100% a high rise briefs kind of girl. Actually, when I went over to the high risers was when Mom and I stopped getting mixed up, because she is a 100% granny panty (as opposed to the 99% that high risers are) girl.
Is there any kind of underwear you refuse to wear?

Yes. Thong. I completely fail to see the appeal. Unless you happen to be in ballet, nobody is looking anyway for the pantyline back there. And if you’re going to wear a thong, why not just skip the whole underwear deal? Why the hell would you want something stuck up your crack all day? Isn’t that why people pick wedgies for fuck’s sake? Because it’s UNFUCKING COMFORTABLE?

Friday Fluff, March 9, 2012

Last modified on 2012-03-10 00:29:53 GMT. 18 comments. Top.

Until about ten minutes ago, my day was slow, and it was looking like I might have to go deal with the disgusting mess that is my bathroom. I watched a bug die on my desk.

bug alive

see him there near the crusted food on grease stained paper, next to a displaced child's birthday card?

He’s a Mayfly or some other thing, not a giant mosquito. They only live about 24 hours, and he appeared to be nearing the end of his time. He pulled himself along the mess, shakily sticking out one feeler like an old man with a cane, then pulling himself forward. I didn’t have the heart to scoop him up and pitch him out in the rain while he was still alive. He kept flopping upside down, and I would think, “OK, this is it.” But he’d right himself and creep on.

bugdead

Maybe the old food killed him. Perhaps I should clean my desk today.

Then, he finally stopped flipping and feeling, so I put him outside. His tragic little drama played out, I thought I would have to go do actual work.

But then the awesome happened.

Lisa said that, in her temporary absence (she’ll be back tomorrow) I could host the Friday Fluff linkup. Holy Big Guns! She didn’t have to offer twice! (And I didn’t want to give her time to rethink.)  SO here we go, the first (and probably only) Jesterhosted Friday Fluff begins here.  (And to be clear, Lisa will go back to hosting her meme next week.) I’ve just been given a HUGE fluffy honor this week. Fluffers, let’s get busy!  This week’s questions come from here, and they beg for frivolity. (Lisa says next week, we get to get our panties in a wad over this one.)

WOULD YOU RATHER….

Be a poison tester or suicide bomber?

Wow!  starting things off heavy, no? Clearly, I’d rather eat poison than bomb people. If I test poison, I die. If I suicide bomb, I still die, but so do a bunch of innocent people. I’m not sure that was much of a fun fluffy question at all.

Fat and short or fat and tall

I notice that after that first one, you grew allergic to question marks. Maybe they were too tall for you. Perhaps they put on too much weight.

Wet and cold or dry and hot

Ugh. Neither. Hot and wet is the only appropriate fluffer answer, of course.

Vampire or a cat

Vampire cat. Sounds like a spin-off from a James and Deborah Howe story.

Be george lopez or brad pitt

Who is George Lopez? Is he a character in Handy Manny? Oh GOD I hate that show. At my hell job, I worked with this controlling asswipe who just lu-huved it when clients called him “Manny”. What a creep.

Eat sand or dirt

Having eaten both, I guess Sand. I can pretend its salt, and it’s the one I’m realistically more likely to get in my mouth next, as we go to the beach for a day at the end of this month.

Be 30 or 1

30. One was helpless and boring. Or I could be 31. These questions lend themselves to combinations.

Pro skater boarder or singer

If you hold onto the ‘r’ in Skaterrr boarrrrrderrrrr, you sound really stoned or else a really bad pirate. So I guess singerrr, because there’s only one “rrrr”.

Eat metal or bugs

Metal. As long as I didn’t have to chew. Although, realistically, I have swallowed bugs before. However, none in my sleep.

Be a monkey or wolf man

I will assume that’s “monkey man”. And neither. I am WOMAN hear me ROAR. Or see me type it or whatever.

Work at google or bing

Google. They may be getting into the irritating category with the tracking and shit, but they still aren’t at the level of Microsoft.

Make a board game or video game

Video. More money. Duhh.

Mini cooper or mustang

Neither. I’ve never seen the appeal of a muscle car. And while minis are cute, I’m not going to be in a category that would even maybe allow one for the next decade at least. There are four people in my house. Two of them require a mountain of teddy bears to get out the doors in the morning. I am not strapping that shizz to my roof people.

Dead or alive

Singer or actor

Actor. I’ve never had a lot of singing confidence, and singers are all the time touring.

 

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OK, get ready, here’s your linky – hope everybody is willing to play over here!


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Link tool by Inlinkz

 

 

 

 

Friday Fluff, March 2, 2012

Last modified on 2012-03-02 19:01:48 GMT. 16 comments. Top.

If you’re new to the Jester Queen, every week, I participate in a meme in which grown women tackle absurd teenager issues, as phrased by the presumed teens themselves over on Quizopolis. Men can play, too, so Lance, get on board man. This week’s questions come from here. I link up with Lisa over at Seeking Elevation and if you head that way, you can pick up her answers, follow through to other fluffers’ links, and find out about her feral-haired daughter.

Normally, my quiz answers aim only to make you laugh yourself out of your chair. However, this week’s quiz is a little more serious, and I know I’ve acquired a couple of new readers since I migrated last week. Therefore, let me preface my quiz with a couple of warnings, since this is a little different than most of the content you’ll find on my blog.

1) I have a blue tongue. F-bombs explode from my mouth and onto my blog at a rate four times as fast as the growth of the national debt.  OK, that’s actually not any different from normal at all. But this week’s one nonfiction piece was pretty warm and fuzzy, so if you AREN’T used to my non-fiction, consider yourself warned.

2) I’m rampantly liberal. Again, not really any different, but I don’t typically engage in politics on Jester Queen.

If you disagree with me about these issues, feel free to tackle it in the comments. Be as caustic and sarcastic as you like (I’m probably setting myself up big time here, but I’m pretty damned caustic and sarcastic below, so I feel it’s only fair). I may or may not choose to respond to caustic sarcasm, mind, as I’ll assume you’re answering me tone for tone, and I don’t want to start a hate-war on my blog. But unless you engage in ethnic or homophobic slurs, I won’t delete you or be offended by you just because we don’t agree and you use the same attitude as me.

 Onward fluffers:


1) Do you think that gay marriage should be legal? 
Of course I do. I am an outspoken advocate of marriage equality.  Scott and I both support fairness, and I yearn for the day when people just refer to ‘marriage’ without qualifying straight from gay.

2) Do you think that gays should be allowed to seve in the military? 

No.  My GOD we can only assume that the missing letter in that word is ‘r’, and if we start allowing military people of any sexual orientation to start SEVERING things randomly…just think of the IMPLICATIONS. MY GOD I OPPOSE THIS.

If, perhaps, the missing ‘r’ falls before the ‘v’, on the other hand, then I support it wholeheartedly.

3) What do you think about people who don’t believe in god? 

I think I’ll psychoanalyze that question. The very fact that you ask it, and in such a loaded way, suggests that you do believe in god and that you are out there judging those who don’t. The word is ‘atheists’, though I think you might be allergic to such terminology. I wouldn’t want you to break out in hives, so be sure to take a Benadryl before you read my answer.  Ready? My answer: See 4.

4) Are you pro life or pro choice? 

This time you have at least chosen less loaded terminology, identifying both camps by their own chosen monikers. So I’ll over-analyze the monikers instead. The phrase ‘pro-life’ implies that anyone who supports abortion in any way is ‘anti-life’. There’s not much to parse about ‘pro-choice’, though I do see a lot of “it’s a child, not a choice” bumper stickers around here. I’m guessing that loaded answer tells you which group I support. In case not, read this article by Anne Lamott. (I’ve been dying to get me some Anne Lamott in this blog. She IS one of my personal Gods. Other than the people we respect and honor above all others, I am not sure whether or not there is a real God, though Lamott, who is Christian, would not share my opinion)

5) Do you think we should test on animals? 

I had some tests run on my dog just the other day! They all came back negative, thank God. He doesn’t have alarming worms, parvo, or even a stomach virus. Turns out, the problem was what I feared all along. He barfed all over the living room because he ate an entire box of Cheez-Itz including the cardboard when he got pissed off at me for waiting to feed him until I got back from picking up the kids the other day. I’d have been seriously worried if we hadn’t tested.

6) How do you feel about illegal immigration? 

For expediency’s sake, I’ll assume that you’re really asking about illegal immigration from Mexico. You could mean from other countries, but given the nature of the quiz, I really fucking doubt it.

We are ignorant fools in the United States. We take our own wealth for granted and forget that we live in better conditions than most of the world. In the 19th century, we invented nasty things like the Chinese Exclusion Act  because we were just dead sure the nation was going to be overrun by Chinese laborers.

Now, we’re paranoid about Mexicans taking over the country. Fuck. I say we scrub Emma Lazarus off the statue of liberty. Here. I’ll let The Bitch write the new plaque inscription.

The New Mother Teresa

Not like that Mother of generous fame
With withered face and open loving hands
Here at our sea-washed sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the lyingest beacon, and her name
Mother of Hypocrites. Her zombie hand
Glows world-wide false hope; her blank eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities fame.
“Stay back, you undeserving wretch,” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me instead your rich,
Your white people yearning for the free
Market. Let them come scratch that Wall Street itch.
Send not, the homeless tempest-tost to me,
I say, come only wealthy to this bitch.”

7) Do you think it is ethical to do stem cell research? 
The question exposes your ignorance, as it presumes that all stem-cell research is embryonic stem-cell research. It demonstrates no awareness of adult stem-cell research or  induced pluripotent stem-cell research.

And yes. Whichever of those three forms you are discussing, I do support it. But then, as established in question 4, I’m anti-Life to begin with.

8 ) Should be get rid of the death penalty? 

Oooh, Rasta time! Let’s set a laid back beat. With a

boom chicky-chicky-chick
da boom cha cha chicky-chik

… now everybody SING. Let me hear you SING!

Should be get rid of de deat’ penalty?
Should be? Ya, Mon, I tink, maybe so.
(Dat is all. You may stop singing now.)

Since I’m so anti-life, I probably ought to say ‘no’. However, my real answer is that it can’t go away soon enough. For me, the answer has less to do with economics (though that’s valid) than with horror. There are innocent people on death row. The Innocence Project  has established that. Has, in fact, saved a few. How can we consider ourselves a just people if we knowingly execute even one innocent person? I’m talking about people who were already living sentient beings here, and I do distinguish between that and embryos or fetuses.  I’m all in favor of revenge. But in this day and age, it is often completely impossible to be sure that you are carrying out your revenge on the right person. I suppose it was always impossible, but now it is even less so.  There is no just way to impose a death penalty with absolute certainty that only the guilty will die.

9) Is torture ever acceptable? 

No. Fuck no. Plain and simple.

10) Should the government have a say on our diets? 
Madame Syntax? Would you care to address this question while I go eat another Pop Tart?

Yes, Jester Queen, I’ll be happy to do so.

 Many students fail to appropriately use the term ‘on’. In spoken English, “on” frequently replaces other prepositions like ‘in’ and ‘about’.  However, this is not acceptable in written language. In this case, the appropriate wording would be “Should the government have a say about our diets?”  You’re welcome. Have you finished that Pop Tart yet, Jester?

Yes, thanks, I’ll take care of the next one

11) Should the alcoholic drinking age be increased or decreased? 

I would feel very uncomfortable stating an age at which it is acceptable for one to become an alcoholic. I would, in fact, propose that it is never a good idea.

12) Should cigarette smoking be banned?

In public places, yes. I grew up around secondhand smoke.  It still affects my breathing, even though I have not been consistently around it for over a decade now. A public ban wouldn’t have fixed my early problems, but it sure would limit them now.

Whew. That was some intense fluffing there. I’m thinking this week we got pretty hard core. Next week, we will return you to your regularly scheduled bullshit. In the interest of peace in the valley and such, I believe I’ll end with a warm fuzzy picture of Sam.

Warm Fuzzy

See what I did there? He is warm and the picture is fuzzy. I crack me up.

____________________________________________________________

That’s it for now, people. Until next week, may the Fluff be with you.

 

 

Friday Fluff February 23, 2012

Last modified on 2012-02-29 03:16:46 GMT. 9 comments. Top.

Dear readers,

Friday Fluff is going up early (even before the linkup is open) because The Jester Queen is moving. It shouldn’t look or feel any different to you. If I’m doing this right, you won’t notice anything different, and there shouldn’t be any downtime. However, the process takes between 36 and 48 hours, and I’m not going to lie and say I’m not scared shitless. If you are used to getting e-mails from me, you won’t get one Friday, Saturday, or possibly Sunday. Or, I don’t know how this works, maybe Saturday, Sunday, and dear god surely that’s all. BUT. The e-mails and new content should resume on Monday, which means that if you don’t hear from me, PLEASE visit http://jesterqueen.com and resubscribe to my blog. Everyone at bluehost says this is not necessary. BUT I AM TERRIFIED that I’m about to ditch a following I’ve worked really hard to build up.

Also, I’ve got to get my Friday Fluff up early so I can copy and export my site. I’ll save my Whitney tribute to be the first post of the new blogennium. My Life in Music is up and running right now, and if you want to post about how Whitney has (or has not) affected your life, you can jump right on in over here:

 

 

You don’t have to love Whitney to participate! I am the Jester Queen, and as tragic as I find her death, my post won’t be the standard tribute. I’m coming to bury Caesar, not praise her, to mangle me some Shakespeare, and you can contribute your own experience, whether positive, negative, or neutral. Just tell us what she means to you!

Now, to the fluff. This week’s questions come from here, a survey by a dolt who clearly is missing the basic punctuation buttons on his or her keyboard. Briefly, I’ll go over them. Period . Comma , AND Quesion mark ?. Just place those wherever you think them necessary.

Do you think people are good

No. I think we are neutral at best. There’s some study that I’m not looking up that says that we are all predisposed to believe our own intentions are good while others’ intentions are bad. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about normal people being able to justify slaughtering entire families. Not just during the Holocaust, but in the Balkans, in Rwanda, and in Darfur. We are malleable, and under the right circumstances extraordinarily cruel. There are points of extraordinary generosity, but on the whole, these behaviors are less common than simple herd mentality. If the herd is doing good, many people will do good. If the herd is doing evil? Well…

Do you like meeting people

You’d think not after that last answer, wouldn’t you. But I’m actually very fond of meeting new friends.

Do you shake hands

Odd question. It’s very hard to avoid it, although some are adept at offering only a fingertip to avoid crushing. Mostly, I hug.

Is a good handshake important

That sounds sexual. Like, “Baby, come home early tonight, and I’ll give you a good handshake” {eye waggle}

Do you get along with the oposite sex

Spelling fail. The opposite sex and I were having a great time the other night when we “shook hands”… oh you mean platonic friendship. Yeah.

Do you like being around small children

No. I was surprised to find out that I’m fond enough of my own to willingly spend time in their company on a regular basis. And don’t ever make the mistake of shaking one of their hands. PLATONICALLY.

Do you like yourself

You don’t fool me with your mastrubation questions. What started with a handshake ends with the sound of one hand … uh … clapping.

Do you have a best friend

I do.

Do you think your a good friend

I have HAD it with Your. Your and I were finished back when he pulled the Easter Bunny stunt. Fool me once, shame on you(r), fool me twice shame on me. Nuh-uh. Your and I are through.

Do you listen to gossip

Of course, if someone is speaking it. Do I act on it? Depends on whether or not the gossiper and I are on a handshaking basis. {Eye waggle}

Do you think midgets are funny

Hey asshole, I hate prejudice.

Do you feel sorry for fat people

I am a fat person, and I rarely pity myself for it.

Is it funny when someone falls

Falls In love? Falls out of an airplane? Falls down the steps? Falls on banana peels?  Falls down while “shaking hands”? CONTEXT PEOPLE.

Do you like animals

I liked the cow I ate for dinner very much. The chicken wasn’t bad either. But I did NOT shake their hands. Or hooves. Or … whatever the hell you call chicken feet.

Do you help people alot

I sicced Allie Bosch’s alot on one of you people, and I will do it again. Right now. There. Be sure you SHAKE HANDS with it.

Do you do random nice things for people

Clearly, Allie needs to train her alot.  You’re still writing. Yes, I commit random acts of kindness, because I love to flip people out.

I’ll be linking this up with Lisa over at Seeking Elevation. Other than that, see you Sunday or Monday. Gulp.

 

Friday Fluff Feb. 17 2012

Last modified on 2012-02-17 15:10:44 GMT. 20 comments. Top.

This week’s stupid questions come from here.

This week’s stupid answers come from here:

Shop-In

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m probably a 2 or so. (With thanks to Lisa for choosing a scale to answer. I went with Kinsey.)

2. Do you share your bedroom with someone? If yes, with who??

Yes, my husband, and that should say “with whom”. We threw the children out when they were pretty young, and we got lucky and they stayed that way unless it’s ungodly early or they’re sick.

3. Do you resemble a famous celebrity?

I could pass for Frank Sinatra. In a pinch. With heavy makeup and a lot of imagination. Also blue contacts.

4. What brand is your mobile?

The Who.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxoO5yrabfc

5. What keychains do you have with your house keys?

Embarrassment ensues. I am so addicted to keyless entry that I don’t carry house keys. We own some. Someplace. But I am so uberfucked if the power goes out when I’m not home.

6. Do you drive? If yes, what cars do you own?

Sorry, I don’t play golf. What they hell do the cars have to do with it?

7. Do you read the newspaper?

Online.

8. Is the TV on right now?

Fuck no.

9. What song are you hearing right now?

See 4 and 14.

10. Any favorite books you wanna mention here?

The Talisman, LOTR, The Stand, The Sound and The Fury, All Quiet on the Western Front, One For the Money, Neverwhere, Harry Dresden series, It, Nelson Mandela The Authorized Comic Book, The Firm, Tess of the D’Ubervilles, The Right Stuff, The Historian, Anything by Diana Wynne Jones, Actually, anything by Neil Gaiman, The Bone Collector, the early Sandman comics, Hole in my life, and the Awakening. That’s all I can see from this chair.

11. Are you up-to-date with the latest news on celebrities?

No. I don’t want to encourage them.

12. Have you ever lied to a best friend?

Just now. I’m supposed to be driving to get her instead of finishing this dumb quiz.

13. Do you consider yourself intelligent?

I gotz teh brainz.

14. Are you a morning person or a night person?

I’m a night owl trapped in a mother’s body with a little sunshine brother for a son (clip).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Kb7wZokLHQ

15. Do you enjoy doing stuff on your own?

Yes. Wait. Is this a masturbation question? Fuck you.  Scott and I heard an interview with a hummingbird bander. He was called a master bird bander. Scott pointed out it was good he wasn’t a baiter. Because a Master baiter bander? #Awkward

_____________________

As always, Linking up this Friday Fluff with Lisa at Seeking Elevation. But I’m doing it quickly. Because seriously people, I gotta go rescue Linda.

Friday Fluff February 10 2012

Last modified on 2012-02-10 14:30:41 GMT. 13 comments. Top.

Welcome to the preValentines edition of Friday Fluff! But let’s not get all mushy-gushy. Instead, let’s get straight into mocking answering some seriously fucked up quiz questions.

These questions come from here, and are all “What would you do if” questions (even though the author doesn’t bother with a single question mark.) So. Get ready, get set, Bang! Go!

Stranded in a forest alone
Check for Geocaches, then use Google Maps on my cell phone to find my way out. (Turn left at the pockmarked tree; go three hundred feet; watch out for the Fire Swamp and the R.O.U.S.’s unless you have the Dread Pirate Roberts along for backup.)

 Sensed someone stalking you
Sensed how? Like “I always feel like somebody’s WATching meee? (OooOooo)” Paranoid? The walls have eyes? Or like, sensed it because their car was following the hell out of me or something? If the former, somebody would have to inform me I was paranoid, then I guess I’d go check in at Cherry Hill. Or whatever. If the latter, I’d wait until the car passed me, then call the cops with a license number.

 You suddenly developed superhuman strength
I just did that. All night long and I completely held it together in spite of two kid meltdowns.

 You saw a dead cat
Horrific true story. The other day, I was driving Sam to school, and we passed a cat that had just been hit. It’s front half was motionless, but its rear end was still in death spasms. The tail was pinwheeling one way, and the ass was going another. If it wasn’t already dead, it was about to be. I felt horrible for it. I called animal control. At least the poor thing got quickly cleaned up that way. And yet, I fear that I should have stopped, even with Sam in the car. I had a cat who got hit by a car and lived as a kid. But he only took a glancing blow. Broken paw, no chest damage. I fear that I could have saved it, even though I know better.

 You saw a dead human
I have seen several at funerals. When possible, I gently touch them, just to make sure they’re really dead and embalmed. Trust me. They don’t feel alive at all, though I wouldn’t know the feeling of embalming fluid from blood.

Someone anonymously send a love note
Sent. That should be sent. You were doing SO well with the tenses, assuming we were all willing to front you the phrase “what would you do if” or (alternatively) “what would you do if you”. But you slipped into the present tense here. Tsk. Tsk. If I wasn’t pretty damned sure it was Scott, I’d be pretty creeped out and go back to the stalker scenario. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m pretty firmly attached to my spousal unit.

 You become blind
I’ve often thought about this. No, seriously, I have. My grandmother had horrendous glaucoma. She was treated for it starting at age 27. So far, neither of my parents have developed it. All four grandparents had it, though. Only Mummum went blind. But her gradual loss of sight was heartbreaking. So I pay attention to things like the feel of keypads and my dinner plates. I understand the concept of arranging things the same way every time. I would cope. But I fear this. Terribly.

 Your car breaks down beside a graveyard
Take kickass photos for my blog while I waited for the tow truck. (Obviously.)

 Your bestfriend calls you at 4am
That’s best [space] friend. And here’s the thing. Our land line is fucked up to the point that we have exactly one landline phone in the kitchen. It’s a corded unit. Scott and I leave our cells in the office at night. SO if somebody, even my BFF, called me at 4AM, unless they made those phones dingaling for a longatime, I would probably go right on sleeping. Oh. And unless they called back after 7, I probably wouldn’t notice they called for days. I’m awful about checking messages.

You could bring back anyone from 6 feet under
This. Then this.

Someone kept staring at you
Stare back.

Someone ate your lunch
Spike the next one with hot sauce.

You’re at a stranger’s funeral
Show respect and hope nobody asked me to deliver a eulogy.

You got 100 free spray cans
What the hell? Where did this come from? There is no thread connecting this to the previous questions (or the one following). All the others have some connection (however remote) to humans (even dead ones) or animals. This is like Ed McMahon just walked into that damned stranger’s funeral and handed the corpse the winning Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes check.

And even with Sam in the house, we don’t need THAT much bathroom spray. That’s got to be like a decade supply.

And if you were referring to something else, I don’t want to know.

 A horse came chasing after you
Uhhh zigzag? Or is that crocs who can’t zig? Gators who can’t zag? I get so confused. I’d get the hell out of the way, anyhow. If I had time. If not, I’d throw myself down and pray the horse jumped. Or maybe just this:

Yes, waiter. I'll have the faceplant.

______________________________________________

Linking up with Lisa over at Seeking Elevation to play Friday Fluff (this week sponsored by those worst case scenario survival guides or something).

Don’t forget to come play with Bella and I! Tell us a story about a love song as it relates to your life.

Friday Fluff February 3, 2012

Last modified on 2012-02-03 03:56:08 GMT. 12 comments. Top.

Friday Fluff, Friday Feb 3, 2011

As always with Friday Fluff, this is just one blog with a grown woman answering questions written by a weird teen. These questions come from here, and there’s a linkup at the bottom to Lisa over at Seeking Elevation. Oh look. I just put one up top, too. Because that’s how I roll. Now let’s get this hoss moving.

Have you ever flirted with your best friend’s bf/gf?

I don’t flirt with myself. Too weird. And yes, I’m married to my best friend. And I’m his girlfriend, too.

Do you think that you’re all that and your probably really not?

If I thought I was all that, would I really notice that I wasn’t?

 Have you gotten beat up before. Tell the truth.

No. But I’d love to put a beat down on your ass.

Are you smart or are you dumb?

Fucking brilliant.

If you’re a girl, do you scratch your boobs when nobody’s looking?

Clearly, you are a guy. Boobs don’t itch the way balls do. Women don’t get overcome with the need to just clutch our bosoms and dig around to get rid of that scratchy feeling. Just because breasts and balls both are danglies, that does not mean they serve the same function or behave in the same manner when confined.

 Have you ever wanted to have sex with your own gender?

You can get fucked because of your gender, but I never knew of anyone ever who could fuck a gender, their own or anyone else’s.

Are you liking this survey so far?

Ask me in a couple of beers.  Oops’s survey’s over. Still got plenty of beer. I guess you’ll never get your answer now.

Do you have alot of friends or are you nobody at school?

Go visit Allie Bosh at Hyperbole and a Half. NOW. If you survive the attack of her alot, come back for my answer.

What? You’re still living? You must be too stringy to eat or something.

OK OK. Nosey fucker.

When I was in elementary and high school, which was a long fucking time ago TYVM*, I was less than nobody. It was an ugly time in my life, and I would love to erase it from my life.

Are you annoying to most people?

Only the ones too stupid to go away.

Can you take the truth, no matter what it is?

Yes. I steal truth all the time from people and put it to my own nefarious uses.

Would you go suicidal if someone in your family died?

No. I would not go anywhere if someone in my family died, except possibly to the funeral. I wouldn’t become suicidal either. In spite of all the other shit I’ve gotten from my bipolar, the urge to die has never been one of those problems. I’m too pissed off to die, and I would be angry in grief, too. Though I’ll knock wood.

Is there somebody in your life you hate at this point?

They aren’t really in my life, no. We aren’t even frenemies on Facebook. But we do see the fuckers out in public from time to time, and I want to roast them in boiling holy water, so I guess that’s a yes.

Are you dreading something right now?

Ugh. Yeah. Sam refused to get out of his pajamas, colored all over his face, and then cut up some other kid’s shirt today.

Iderman

This is not SPiderman. No. This is Iderman, which, in Sam's mind, is EYEderman. And, according to the superhero himself, EYEderman uses a lot of EYE makeup.

He’s had so many good days. But when you’re walking the line, that one bad day may be the end of all good ones. I’m just terrified that when Scott takes him in tomorrow, they’re going to say it’s his last day, and he can’t come back Monday. Yeah. I’m dreading that pretty hard.

While taking this, did you start thinking about your true self?

No. If you want me to think about my true self, ask writing questions.

Would you date somebody on Valentine’s Day just to get something for Valentine’s?

No.

 Have you ever broke somebody’s heart and didn’t care?

“broken”. It’s ‘have you ever broken’, and I married the first guy I ever dated, so no.

 Did you go to Pre-K?

Yes, only then it was called Nursery School.

And, to round out a solidly dorkilicious quiz, here is a gratuitous shot of Eyederman in second position.

Eyederman in Second

Though I guess the arms look more first-position-y

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*Thank you very much. I just made this up. I don’t know if it’s real text speak or not. Onward!

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Linking up with Lisa over at Seeking Elevation! Come play with the rest of us fluffers. And yes, to quote Lisa, we do know what a fluffer is.

Fiction: Weather

Last modified on 2012-01-26 20:46:06 GMT. 16 comments. Top.

Weather

 “You doing all right?” Al asked, indicating a bandage on his brother’s arm.

Jared grunted. He did not look at the white gauze that stretched from his wrist to his elbow. He said, “You’d never know we had any weather at all to look at your neighborhood.”

“Nope,” Al agreed.

Jared lifted his mug, then cradled it in both hands close to his chest.

“Are you OK?” Al asked again.

Jared leaned forward and set the coffee cup on the table. Finally, he said, “The worst was when the tub flipped. The wind screamed, and the house crashed, and I just laid there under the mattress. And then the tornado picked me up. I lost the mattress, but the tub moved so fast I was glued to the bottom, and I watched that wind snatch the floor right out of my house before it threw me back down on the slab underneath the tub. And then the house thundered down on top of me. I didn’t even notice the cuts until the fire crew dug me out.”

“Well, you came through the other side,” said Al.

“I came through lucky,” Jared agreed.

Outside, a low diesel rumble announced their younger brother’s arrival. Letting himself in the back door, Myron said. “Not much left out at your place.”

Jared said, “Not to speak of.” Then he rose from the table, leaving the coffee behind, and crossed to Myron. They clasped arms; then Al, too stood. He laid a hand on Jared’s shoulder. For that moment, they carried together the weight of the sky and the things men don’t say. Then they let go. Al and Jared returned to the table, and Myron walked over to get himself some coffee.

Myron said. “Cleanup’s going to be a regular beast.”

“That’s for sure,” said Jared, taking a drink from his mug. “A beast.”

_____________________________

It’s tornado season in the South. And this week’s Trifecta challenge is beast.

Friday Fluff: Jan 20th 2012

Last modified on 2012-01-20 16:37:19 GMT. 9 comments. Top.

Friday Fluff, January 20, 2012

Fill out this fun Total Randomness Survey and then share it with your friends on facebook, myspace or anywhere else. LIKE MY BLOG!

Hola como estas?

Estoy en necesidad de una margarita

What are you obsessed with?

World peace, as long as it can achieve itself without any help from me

What do you dip your chicken nuggets in?

I don’t.

What was the last road trip you went on?

Cincinnati last December But the link is to a post about a road trip while ON that road trip.

When’s the last time you dance with someone?

Hmmm… Grammar fail. The last time I danced with someone was at Zumba at the YMCA.

What’s your favorite show?

Well, I think right now, My Fair Lady. But Scott and I go to see Spamalot next Tuesday night, so that may trump. We’ll see.

If you could visit anywhere, where would you visit?

Well, anywhere, obviously. It’s kind of stupid when you put the answer in the question.

What’s your ringtone?

For whom? I have a Scottish one for Scott, a light and airy one for my mother, the Russian Dance from the Nutcracker for regular, and for poor Linda an accidentally annoying one that chants “Pick up de phone” to the tune of Beethoven’s 5th. I swear to God it was cute until the first time it actually rang.

What’s the wallpaper on your cell phone?

Red with gold busts of Caesar

Who is the 6th text message in yur inbox from?

“yur”. Shouldn’t that be capitalized and possessive? Like “Who is the 6th text message in Yur’s inbox from?” And how the hell should I know? Who is Yur? Does he live in a Yurt?

Go to your pictures…what is the 33rd pic of?

Which pictures? Phone pictures? I don’t have 33 on there right now. Regular pictures? 33rd in which folder? You know what? Just forget it.

Whose your 78th contact in your phone?

Fuck you. What’s with the damned numbers? Oh and thank you SO much for reminding me I lost half my contacts when my PHONE GOT STOLEN. Now? Shit, I’m lucky if I have 45 contacts, let alone seventy fucking eight. Christ.

Whose your favorite character from The Office?

My time working in an office was extremely traumatic, and I prefer not to discuss it with you.

Have you seen every episode starting from Season 1?

Every episode of everything ever? No. I don’t watch TV.

What color is your hair?

Brown.

Favorite quote?

“Fuck you”

What kind of car do you have?

Hyundai Sonata

What makes you laugh?

See my blogroll.

Whats the last movie you saw in theatres?

“What” should not be pluralized. That “Whats” wants for an apostrophe. And Sherlock Game of Shadows.

If you could co-star in a movie with any actor/actress you would it be?

“Who” would it be, not “you”. But I shouldn’t be so flip. God, I feel bad about this one. I mean, I consider myself an advocate. So I apologize, but the only actor/actress I know about is Jaye Davidson, and I guess I’d have to go with Stargate in that case. And I promise to learn more about trans actor/actresses, because this is an issue that’s important to me.

 Whats your favorite article of clothing?

Um, I hate to nag, but if I’m going to take the time to correct your grammar, you ought to take the time to pay attention to the lesson. W-H-A-T-Apostrophe-S. Right now, I don’t even have a favorite pair of jeans, and howsabout I promise to come back and answer this in twenty pounds or so?

What were you doing on New Years?

How many new years are we talking about here? It’s a good thing we do the same thing every year, or I’d be writing a really long time. We were at my sister-in-law’s.

GASP! LOOK! WHAT’S BEHIND YOU?!

When I gasped, my husband asked if I was choking and offered to to help. So when I looked, he was behind me.

What are you looking forward too?

I just looked backwards, now I’m going forward? Make up your mind. I’m looking forward to the computer screen of course. DUH.

Are you the life of the party?

Better that than its death, wouldn’t you agree?

Finish this sentence…You are______

my sunshine, my only sunshine.

If you could meet Barack Obama, what would you ask him?

How the hell did I get past security?

 Pop Tarts or Toaster Struddles?

Ick. Neither.

Dark Chocolate or Milk Chocolate?

Dark. Please.

Truth or Dare?

Truth. Always.

Do you kiss your mom with that mouth?

Only on the cheek, I swear.

Your getting chased by the Easter Bunny! What do you do?!

In days of yore, the Easter Bunny was like a God or something, right? Oh my GOD! I don’t see Your anywhere. He’s gone! You’re really scaring me. I think the Easter Bunny may have eaten Your. I don’t know what to do! What do you and yours suggest?

Whats in your junk drawer?

Get him out!! Isn’t that a little personal?

Whats something about you that no one knows?

I don’t know. Ask no one.

What kinda phone do you have?

Eh. I kinda have a flip phone, except it was stolen. So now, I totally have an Android.

Whats the wallpaper on your computer?

It’s impossible to tell for all the game icons. Addict needs an intervention.

Do you dance when nobody’s watching?

Jesus! Nobody is stalking me again. PEEPING TOM PEEPING TOM!

What’s your race?

Well, since I don’t watch TV, I don’t see The Amazing Race, but my sister-in-law and family got my mother-in-law hooked on it, so it must be OK. Running races makes me really gaspy and stuff, so I guess Queen’s “Bicycle Race”. Since the fat bottomed girls will be riding today.

Whose your loudest friend?

Oh. OK. Well, um, TELL WHOSE THAT’S GREAT, OK!?

When your having a party, who definitely has to be there?

Damn it, I thought Your got eaten by the Easter Bunny! Now, you tell me he’s really planning a party, and the whole thing was a scam to keep from inviting me so he could invite Who instead? I bet he has What and I-Don’t-Know-Who on that list as well. Thanks a-fuckin’-lot, Your. See what happens to you. Just you see if I worry about you the next time the Easter Bunny comes after you with a goddamned butcher knife.

Whats the best food combo?

Steak and margaritas.

When you need someone to talk to, who do you go to?

Pick up de phone.

Whats your favorite band(s)?

What’s the day of the week? Oh. It’s Friday. OK. Friday, it’s The Cure(s).

What song do you want played at your funeral?

“The Bitch Is Back”

Your mom goes to college!

Great! I’m so happy for her! I’m all about continuing education.

Would you like other people to see your survey answers?

Shit yes. Why the hell else would I post them on my blog?

Enter your nickname to let people know who you are or leave blank to take the survey anonymously
(do not put in your full name)

Jester Queen

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Oh! Almost forgot. Attribution sooo important. http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/6891/Total-Randomness-Survey/

Next week is

http://www.quizopolis.com/survey/3643/30-Tell-The-Truth-Questions-Survey/

Ooo – Truth questions. Fun.

And I’m linking up at http://www.seekingelevation.com/2012/01/friday-fluff_20.html

Friday Fluff (On a Sunday)

Last modified on 2012-01-15 04:35:23 GMT. 11 comments. Top.

Confession. When I was a teen, I used to take quizzes obsessively. I subscribed to Sassy magazine and thrived on its multiple choice options.  I obsessed over the scores and tried to decide if the answers were accurate, or if they even applied to me, since I hadn’t been able to find anything very close to my own experiences in the possibilities.

I do not miss those days.

Which is why, when some of my favorite bloggers like Dawnie and Alyssa started completing quizzes written by teenagers and answering them with grown up sarcasm, I laughed heartily and then moved on. Because, I don’t miss those days.

But the more I read, the more I found myself interjecting my own snarky, sarcastic answers. And when a new blog that I’d only just started reading, Seeking Elevation, had even more funny responses to these misspelled, absurdly worded, bizarre questions, I couldn’t hold back any longer.

It happens once a week. It’s called Friday Fluff. If you want to play, this week’s questions (Jan. 13) came from here. Next week’s questions (Jan 20) will be from here. And when you’re done, you can linkup over at Seeking Elevation, like I’m about to do.

Are you an early riser?

No. But I love the song “Early Morning Riser” by Pure Prairie League.

Do you shower before or after work?

In the middle actually

Do you have a gym mebership?

No, but I am a meMber of the Y.

Do you go to the gym everyday?

Let’s talk grammar. “everyday” Is a compound word. It means commonplace. It should be used in phrases like “an everyday occurrence”. Every [space] day means “each day”. And no.

Do you take unscheduled breaks at work?

You assume I’m “at work” when I’m working. Next question.

Are you tired during the day?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Do you stop at a grocery store every day?

Not even when I worked at one.

At week ends you stay home all day in your pajamas watching tv?

So much to go with on this one. I’ll have to go with “I hate TV”.

You have a few drinks in the evening?

That sentence was declarative; it should have ended in a period. And some evenings, yes.

If you are retired, are you online most of the day?

Wait. You assumed I was “at work” four questions ago. Now you want to know if I’m retired?  Excusez-moi. Je crois que vous êtes confus.

Do you cook?

Doesn’t everyone?

Do you eat out most of the time?

See here.

Do you spend lots of time on the phone?

No. On rare occasions, I’ll get a call from someone I have not spoken with in too long, and we will spend three or four hours gabbing. But even at that, it doesn’t stretch out to be enough to justify my cell plan most months.

If at work, do you chat online on company’s time or texting?

Now we’re back to assuming I’m at work. What is it with you?!  And by “chat” do you mean “IM” or “talk on the phone”? And what is “texting’s time”?

If there’s a party on Sunday night and you have to work in the morning, do you party anyways?

It’s “anyway” and hell yes, I do. I have years of being a geeky teen who didn’t get invited to parties at all to make up for. Unfortunately, all my friends probably have to work, too, so odds are, we’re all done by 9 o’clock.

Do you take a day off from work just so you can go shopping or fishing?

If I were remotely interested in either activity, I might. As I’m not, I don’t.

Do you feel great when you get up in the morning?

This is a trick question, right? To see if I’ve changed my mind from number one? Let’s put it this way. My sleep shirts all have messages. One says “Punish the Perky”. Another says “I’m awake. What more do you want?”

Do you feel like your daily duties are more like KP duty?

Many of my duties are kitchen patrol duties. Except my saint of a husband does even more of those than I do, so we don’t live in a sty.

Do you go to bed before midnight?

Rarely

Do you take an afternoon nap?

See above

 


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