I don’t understand why people run marathons. I have runner friends competing in everything from 5ks up through the real thing. (Bloggers, too.) I always tell them “Great job” when they share successes. I understand that this is a difficult goal they have set for themselves. I recognize that physical achievement is lauded in our society and that some people get an endorphin high from cardiovascular exercise.

But I’m really thinking, “Wait. The original marathon runner delivered his news and dropped dead.” Why do we want to repeat this? Why is doing so a feat of excellence?

I have walked in a couple of 5ks in pursuit of physical fitness. I consider them hot, miserable affairs that leave me dehydrated and sore. Weight loss is the only possible benefit. And I have to do cardio work to get ready for even those. I do not get an endorphin high off of exercise at all. For the most part, exercise actually makes me more angry, and I’m apt to snark Scott’s head off for an hour or more after a supposedly good workout. I force myself to do it, since I do believe I can increase my lifespan by improving my health. But running? Really? I have tried to run a couple of times in recent history, and the results were nausea from my hot feet, along with sore knees from jouncing along on my own weight. I hate running more than walking, because I wind up gasping for air sooner and it makes all my floppy bits jiggle extra flappily.

And all of this is relevant because The Bitch wants us to run a 5k. Not walk it. Run it. Why? My body doesn’t need dancer’s curves. I haven’t got a secret desire to stand on a podium holding up a medal. (And it’s a good thing, because even The Bitch admits we’d be starting near the back of the pack and finishing dead last.) There is no logic at all to this impulse, but she’s been yammering about it for weeks now.

The only purpose I can see to running a 5k is to demonstrate your physical prowess while building yourself up to suffer more. (Or possibly to skitter, in Updikean fashion, away from a problem.) But the bitch wants a piece of the action, and sooner or later, she’s going to get demanding. I hope she lets me wait until the first of next year to start training.

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This post was composed in response to the Write on Edge Red Writing Hood:Athleticism prompt. Please post comments and discouragement below. If you must encourage her, I probably need to know about good shoes, knee braces, and plus sized sports bras (G cup).

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If you’re getting here from The Lightning Bug’s Dare to Share weekend, here’s a note. While this is my most-commented-on post to date, I feel like that’s really because I’ve just figured out the art of blog sharing, and this is one of the first ones I’ve written in response to a prompt and shared with the blogging (and blog-hopping) community. Before this, my most commented on post was this one: Dawn. I wasn’t sure which one to link to. And I never feel like I’m following any given set of instructions quite right. So this is my way of linking to both. Cheers, and thanks for stopping by.