Sundays have been far too pious in this town of late. That means, yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for another edition of SUNDAY SIN. And what better book to save from itself than that bursting-with-lust tome Anna Karenina. None, methinks. With sexuality, women’s roles, and repression lying in the heart of this novel, its characters simply beg for some sexual healing from Eden Fantasys. Oh yes. This is sponsored content. But I think you know my integrity (which is utterly different from ‘purity’) is sound.

First, a brief plot rundown omitting many salient points for those of you who can’t handle Tolstoy. I’m not going to muck around in Russian names. Everybody’s got a nickname, and I’ll be using them. This guy, Stiva, is boffing the (former) nanny. His sister Anna comes along and reconciles him with his wife, Dolly. (He goes off and boffs a ballerina instead. Dolly copes.) Anna accidentally falls in love with a guy named Vronsky.
Anna becomes pregnant. She wants a divorce. Anna has a baby, gets puerperal fever, and leaves with Vronsky. She becomes an object of ridicule. Vronsky still has a life. Sexism sucks. Anna, probably doped up on sedatives, goes to meet Vronsky at a train station and instead throws herself under the locomotive.I’m omitting the other main character (Levin), by the way, but every other character needs a cure more than him. So he and his gal get off (see what I did there) without Jester Analysis ™.

Stiva the serial philanderer goes from affair to affair without showing any real respect for his wife Dolly. You know what? That guy needs a serious flogging. Maybe if someone had paddled him as a child, he wouldn’t be so determined to wander from his own bed. (And if that doesn’t work, let’s hope he’s at least using a rubber away from home.)

Dolly is Stiva’s betrayed wife. In spite of Anna’s intervention, Dolly never gets the love and respect she deserves. So it’s pretty clear in this book that she’s going to be working out on her own. That’s OK. She can get plenty of exercise with her own pair of smartballs. But a discrete massager wouldn’t hurt either. Let’s face it, the girl’s going hungry.

Vronsky the loverman. He initially courts Dolly’s sister Kitty but drops her like a hot coal when Anna comes into the picture. He thinks he’s such a hot number. He probably carries around a pocket pussy. But somewhere around the middle, he realizes he’s just a slave to love.

Karenin is Anna’s husband. The man who stands between his wife and her lover. He’s hidebound by tradition. He needs to break out of his repressed mold. A lot of his problems stem from the fact the he’s not getting any. He could use some of those delicate items Vronsky is getting plenty of. In their absence, he needs a good blow. And he probably wouldn’t mind if his girl was a little on the flexible side. It would soften him up to take a new attitude about Anna and Vronsky.

Anna Karenina. Ah Anna. Anna can’t control her own fate. She’s not allowed to. She leaves her unhappy marriage for an unhappy affair with a studmuffin who treats her well in spite of his bad boy ways. But she’s not happy. To help her relax so she doesn’t need those sedatives, she needs an in-home spa treatment. She should lean back with an aromatic candle and let go of all her tension. If she can just achieve a state of zen, that locomotive will seem so much less appealing at the end.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s edition of Sunday Sin, sponsored by Eden Fantasys. Join me next time (and feel free to suggest titles in the comments) to offer more sexual healing to literary characters. In the long run (and in conclusion), I think Mr. Tolstoy would have benefitted enormously if he had been given a subscription to Eden Fantasys magazine Sexis…