Holy cowabunga people. This is going to alienate some of you, and I apologize. Because this is TOTALLY a sponsored post. I am not selling out. This is just completely irrefuckingsistable. I get to blog about sex toys.  This is going to be fun. I have read about Eden Fantasys and their products over on Blogging Dangerously.  And here’s the cool part. The folks at Eden Fantasys don’t expect me to blog about their products. They don’t want me to review jack shit. All they want is for me to’ talk about their company in a way that’s ‘comfortable for me’. And link to some of their pages. (In return, I get a fifty dollar gift certificate to buy … umm. .. MAKEUP. Did you know they sell MAKEUP on there? First person to point out I don’t wear makeup wins a prize for admitting they actually know somebody as weird as me in real life.)

So anyway, I’m a word nerd. And I’m reading Woolf’s To The Lighthouse, which makes me realize that sexual repression is a very real problem for literary figures (and sometimes their authors). So I’m going to help. I’m going to propose the appropriate Eden Fantasys products to help these characters move out of their stereotyped roles. If this goes over well, I’ll do it {why yes, you can start reading sexual innuendoes into everything  I type starting now} once a month or so. Because these people may be totally imaginary, and they may live in an era that would make these things impossible. But they obviously need my help, so I’ll find a way to overcome those problems.

Assuming it doesn’t go over like a lead balloon, I’ll call this series Sunday Sins. (Hey, I live in the South. I gotta get my kicks where I can.)

And I’ll  start out with six characters from To the Lighthouse, three women (Mrs. Ramsay, Lily Briscoe, and Minta Doyle) and three men (Mr. Ramsay, William Bankes, and Paul Rayley). Since they are presented as couples in the text, I’ll consider them as couples (though that will be a bit tricky with Lily and William) here.

Starting off, we have Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay, as stodgy a pair as ever we’ve met. Although they have eight children, they are now too busy being archetypes of maternity and manhood to actually get down with each other.  There is no “Love in an Elevator”, and Mrs. Ramsay hasn’t told Mr. Ramsay to “Walk This Way” in probably ever.

I think a little roleplay might do them some good.  I don’t typically like “sexy” costumery. For one thing, I like to dress up for Halloween, and some of the things that pass for women’s Halloween costumes these days are just degrading. But this particular set is as embarrassing sexy for the man as for the woman. Besides. It’s not going to stay on long. Once these two remember what’s so fun about seeing the other one naked, the story should take a dramatic turn for the better. And in case they need a little more help than that getting things off the ground, I propose a good lubricant, because seriously. Eight kids? That’s got to take its toll.

Lily Briscoe and William Bankes aren’t a couple per se. They’re good friends who Mrs. Ramsay tries heartily to marry off to one another. They don’t ever sleep together or seem to need to, so it’s clear that they need some help spending time alone. For William the Botanist, I prescribe sexy underwear and <ahem> a sleeve. He might just let his inner lion roar if he had secret power drawers to put under every outfit. I’ll let you figure out what sleeve might be his best match . If you’re feeling particularly naughty, tell me in the comments what you decide.  Lily is a painter who needs to learn to relax and trust her own instincts. She needs to take a bubble bath by candlelight  with, well, one of these. Again, if you have a naughty streak, feel free to tell me which one in the comments.

And finally, Paul Rayley and Minta Doyle. Newly engaged, but not new to hiding behind rocks on the beach together, they need some tools to take their passion to the next level. Position support could be just the ticket for them (maybe if they had the right pillow, Minta would never have lost that brooch), and maybe somebody will get them a sampler kit like this one for the wedding shower.  And since Paul has a hero complex and Minta gets easily excited, they might get a thrill out of owning one of these.

I hope you have enjoyed this first edition of Sunday Sin. Like I said. If it doesn’t bomb, I’ll do this often. It suits my twisted sense of humor to a T.